Broken streetlight may be linked to global conspiracy

The streetlight between Skyridge and Hillcrest cycles on for about five minutes and then goes off for about three minutes. The light at the corner of Jenkins Ranch Road and Coal Bank does the same thing. This has been going on for more than a year. I think it’s because the bulbs need to be replaced. My friend thinks it’s part of the “Dark Skies” effort. If the bulbs need to be replaced, does the city have a system for checking the bulbs or does it rely on residents to notify them? If so, what department do I call? – In the Dark, Sometimes

There are several highly speculative explanations for streetlights going on and off. But the dark-skies ordinance isn’t to blame. It could point to something even darker.

Obviously, this is yet another example of the city’s scheme to drive residents insane with visual stimuli.

It all began with the flashing-yellow turn-signal arrows, followed by the installation of hopelessly confusing HAWK crosswalks with their spastic sequences of colorful candlepower.

Then, near Denny’s Restaurant along Camino del Rio, a “Rapid Flashing Beacon” was installed for pedestrian safety.

However, the city’s own literature warns: “This crossing is not a traffic signal and does not guarantee drivers will stop.” So what’s the point?

There is another possible basis for intermittent illumination. Shockingly, it transcends municipal boundaries and ties into a vast international conspiracy.

On-again, off-again streetlights are tapping out an ultra slow-motion Morse code message to the government’s black helicopters circling Durango every night.

These whisper-mode aircraft gather intelligence, intercept cell calls and monitor shoppers with single-use plastic bags.

The choppers then transmit encrypted messages to the United Nations’ New World Order headquarters, which coordinates the local implementation of Agenda 21 sustainability principles and the flight paths of jets spraying chemtrails.

As we all know, chemtrails contain a proprietary aerosol that renders the populace complacent and susceptible to hypnotic suggestions.

This explains why the median price of a Durango home is $329,950.

It also explains why some people think it’s OK to bring dogs to a restaurant – or why 300 residents would show up in tutus to ride bicycles to a kegger last week.

But a quick check-in with the city put the kibosh on links to nefarious plots.

When streetlights come on and go off, “it’s usually a bad light sensor and sometimes a bad light bulb,” said our good friend Levi Lloyd, the city’s street superintendent and almost certainly not a member of any globally linked shadow organizations.

Or so we think.

If you have a problem with a streetlight, call the city at 375-5000 and ask for the Streets Department.

The department contracts with La Plata Electric Association to do maintenance work on the overhead lights. A crew in a bucket truck will be dispatched to fix the problem.

Not only can residents report burned-out streetlights, but also ones that are on during the day, which wastes energy and contributes to greenhouse gases and climate change.

Oops. There’s that sustainability thing again. Looks like the city has been co-opted by the Dark Side after all.

durango colorado

The Mea Culpa Mailbag offers an astute observation from John Toot, who has the last word concerning electric bikes on the Animas River Trail.

“Durango has banned the use of Segways on the river trail,” he writes, noting that a Segway is a two-wheeled, self-balancing, battery-powered electric vehicle.

“An electric bicycle also has two wheels and is a battery-powered vehicle,” he said.

“If Segways are not allowed on the river trail, then electric bicycles should also be banned. On the other hand, if Durango wants to allow electric bicycles on the river trail, then Segways should also be allowed.”

John concludes: “Maybe this is something the City Council should add to its agenda. Hopefully, they will both be banned.”

Email questions to actionline@durangoherald.com or mail them to Action Line, The Durango Herald, 1275 Main Ave., Durango, CO 80301. You can request anonymity if you make a hat out of aluminum foil to deflect satellite messages coming into your head.