Bags are evolutionary gift to other species

Plastic bags are the future; they are a hidden gift from above! Let me explain: It is evident that our use and discard of plastic bags has proved to be a catalyst for the evolution of other species, specifically cetaceans! Hear me out now (and Google “cetacean”). Research is obviously lacking, most likely because of the government shutdown, which was necessary to try and stop Obamacare because let’s be honest, the Affordable Care Act was a much better option! Anyway, back to cetacean evolution. Our underwater ocean-dwelling inferiors have actually begun to utilize plastic bags to transfer goods! Some studies on Wikipedia show that they may have actually established supermarkets that recycle discarded human plastic bags. I’m a realist though. It’s my belief that they are merely transporting goods (fish, kelp, conch shells) in the plastic bags.

The proof lies in multiple Google image search results. One picture I found showed a bottle nose dolphin with a plastic bag slung around its dorsal fin. Another was a sea turtle with a Wal-Mart bag around the little feller’s flipper! Finally, there was a picture of a hammerhead shark towing two bags from either side of his oblong head, and get this: His pet seal in tow has a six-pack holder tightly secured around its muzzle to prevent it from biting others!

Talk about a creative and effective (not to mention green/recyclable use of a six-pack holder) to restrain that beast, we should do that to pit bulls in America! For the sake of furthering our fellow species, we must continue to pollute their environments with our excess, it is our duty as humans. Oh, and in regard to the hype about these “reusable” bags, I read you can get an “STD” (sack-transmitted disease) pretty easily from them things! Ignorance is bliss.

Rick Rister


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