Q: We have four children, ages 5, 3½, 2 and 2 months old. Our 5-year-old responded well to clear expectations, praise and, when needed, timeout. Our 3-year-old would (most of the time) rather forgo an event or treat than do what he’s asked (get dressed, clean up something, stop sitting on his little sister). I am unable to physically force him to do most of these things or to physically put him in timeout because I have the baby and a bad back. When time or safety is of the essence and I don’t want the other kids to see him get away with not doing what he’s supposed to, what can I do to encourage compliance? Threats to take things away usually don’t work, and I hate doing that anyway. Thank you!

A: You are a busy family. A very busy family. And while I know many families are this big, I want to simultaneously give you an award and put you down for a nap. Not only are there many human bodies in the house, you have little ones. Each child is at an intense developmental age; you cannot escape the physical and emotional neediness.

But what really drew me to this question was the beauty in the realization of how each child is different. What worked for your eldest child is not working with the second. Praise and timeouts (different sides of the same coin) are not only not working, they are probably causing more trouble (or are about to).

I know you are in the trenches with these little ones, but let’s look at the larger picture.

Putting on my English major hat, I think about what compliance actually means, and the Latin word from which it comes. To comply means to sate, to cover, to complete, and for our purposes, we are expecting the child to fulfill a promise, right? An unspoken promise to us to do what we tell him to do, right? You are the parent, he is the child. Your purpose is to instruct, guide, lead, and the child’s job is to comply.

And yet if children are completely compliant, where is the room for their own voices? Their own natural emergence?

The tomato plant is 100 percent reliant upon things such as the sun, the soil, the stake, the water. And yet, as it reaches upward, it begins to unfurl and flower and move about, doesn’t it? It can look downright wild. But there is no doubt it is deeply rooted and growing. The wildness is part of the growth.

In the same way, compliance is part of the parent-child relationship, but so is resistance. Your first child basked in your praise and happily agreed to your terms. This may or may not come back in the form of latent defiance or anxiety or perfectionism; we will see. But this second child, no. He’s not having it. He feels his strong tendrils reaching for the sun. He feels his young wheels turning and those tricks (the fleeting reward of praise and the arbitrary punishment of a timeout) are not landing on him.

He doesn’t care about them because he is motivated by deeper desires, deeper emotions, and you are doing surface work.

Now, ask yourself these questions to see how to get him to cooperate a little more:

How much are you connecting with him only for connection’s sake? Does he get lots of smiles? Hugs? High-fives? Thumbs-up? We’re talking about connection just for being alive, not because he was “good” or a “listener” (which is praise and short-lived).

How does he fit into the family? Meaning, is he mostly noticed for his defiance? Is he getting lots of talking-to’s? Does more struggle ensue?

And let’s also look at not “teaching” him anymore. You are concerned that the other kids see him “getting away with things.” Getting away with what? Being a preschooler? Being normal? What the other children are seeing is struggle and angry parents, and, more important, they feel tension.

Obviously, if someone is about to get hurt, you do what you must to prevent injury. This is not an option. But you will save yourself much grief by acknowledging that this child is not going to be like his older sibling. He is not complying. And the struggle you are entering into daily is making it worse.

Go for connection, strong leadership without the punishments, and fun and smiling. Yes. Lots of fun, silliness, laughter and an attitude of “I am not going to allow you to hurt your brother, sister, etc., but I will not shame you in the process. You are a young child, this is how it goes.’”

So, reframe compliance. Realize that while your son wants to please you (children naturally do), he is also growing and pushing boundaries. And the way to encourage more compliance is not to force, push or punish him into it; rather to strongly lead, guide and keep a close connection with him. As he matures, he will find his own way to “comply.”