Log In


Reset Password
Lifestyle

Baggage check: I'm coasting at my job, and fine with it. My boyfriend's not.

Q: My boyfriend and I fight over and over about me not being assertive enough at work. I am comfortable but coasting at my job – I enjoy the pace and the feeling that I have mastered what I do. He thinks I should be taking on new projects and advancing, that I am wasting my talents, that I don’t market myself. I say if I want to coast, I should be able to coast.

A: This is classic: a partner who wants to “help” but actually seeks to change you.

There could be many reasons why you aren’t more inspired to kick buns at your job – some of them arguably in need of fixing (depression, anxiety, inertia) and others justifying you to be left the heck alone (comfort, satisfaction, work-life balance). You indicate it’s closer to the latter, which leaves the question of why your boyfriend is so fixated on the need to fix. Can he respect and embrace the person who is OK without the corner office, or does that represent an idea he’s not willing to live with? Stop fighting about this by fully owning that this is you – at least for now – and he’ll need to take it or leave it.

Q: After years of therapy to recover from an eating disorder, I am living a healthy life. My sisters, however, have spent years dieting and obsessing about their weight, and when my mother is with them this is all they talk about. I know this environment could bring back some of my issues. I am looking to cut down on visits unless they change their behavior, but my sisters just don’t get it.

A: I commend you for the work you’ve done. I don’t know how much you’ve talked with your family about your challenges, but there are many possible explanations for their behavior, from ignorance to emotional cluelessness to willful harm.

Have you really tried letting them in, or at least giving bullet points about your recovery? “I’ve spent years getting to a place of health in my relationship with food and my body. The dynamic when we get together makes me uncomfortable.” Give them an honest shot to do right by you. If they still can’t change their behavior, you have every right to put your emotional health first. Abstain from these gatherings, and instead try to connect where food and negativity are less likely.



Reader Comments