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In Durango, no-shows make their presence known

I recently organized a large celebration. The party was a hit, despite the fact that 40 of the invited guests who RSVP’d never showed up. I was taught that an RSVP is your word and a courtesy to the host. Several of my friends insisted that not showing up is no big deal. “Oh, it’s just a Durango thing” was a phrase I heard more than once. Is this acceptable? – Host with the Most

Action Line, being a gentleman, congratulates you on your sensational, successful soiree.

But now please allow Action Line to speak his mind, not like Action Line has ever needed permission. But it’s polite to ask, so thank you.

Ahem.

Your absentee guests are inconsiderate ignoramuses who should be banished from your invitee list henceforth. So there.

That wasn’t very civil, was it?

But what else do you expect from a self-absorbed town like Durango, where a shocking number of people would quit their job for a raft trip?

Hence the ubiquitous uncouth excuse, “it’s a Durango thing.” As if this alone atones for a serious breech of manners.

Somewhere between an epic bike ride and an epic powder day, common courtesy has been lost.

Which brings up the question: Why is every outdoor activity “epic?”

Let’s just say what’s epic in Durango is its capacity for impertinence.

And sadly, it’s not just “a Durango thing.” Just look at the recent nuptial nonsense in Minnesota.

A newlywed couple there sent a bill for $75.90 to relatives who RSVP’d but didn’t show.

The invoice covered two servings of “herb-crusted walleye” as well as a “tax and service fee.”

Social media had a meltdown, as millions of people either cheered or were horrified.

The backstory: The no-shows had kids. The babysitter was a no-show. The wedding invitation said “no children.” What were they supposed to do?

People also fall ill. The car won’t start. Stuff happens. But the prevalence of no-shows is the problem, especially here.

“RSVP” is an abbreviation for the polite French phrase “repondez s’il vous plait” or roughly translated, “please respond.”

Durango isn’t conversant in French, and RSVP has taken on a new meaning.

So it’s time to invoke the Durango Dictionary, where “normal” words have very different local meanings.

In the Durango Dictionary, RSVP stands for “Relax, Showing up is Very Passé.”

Concurrently, the phrase “definitely yes” means “maybe, unless a better offer comes along.”

There are several new additions to the Durango Dictionary beyond “RSVP.”

For example, take the recent explosion of beggars downtown.

Some panhandlers have true issues. But many are just looking to scam some easy cash.

For those displaying dubious cardboard scrawlings, the Durango Dictionary combines the word “faux” and “homeless” into “fauxm-less,” pronounced as “FOAM-less.”

Here it is in a sentence: “I told the scruffy young guy on the corner about the soup kitchen and shelter, but he just laughed. He’s part of Durango’s fauxm-less problem.”

Along the same lines, the word “pan2handling” has been added to the Durango Dictionary.

It describes the new way of dealing with the cardboard crowd. Durangoans are invited to “pan” panhandling. Thus “pan2handling.”

Orange pollution in the river can be called “contanimas.”

Meanwhile “Skype” refers to the hullabaloo over a winning FLC Skyhawks football team.

There must be other words out there to add to the Durango Dictionary. Consider this an invitation.

No need to RSVP, by the way.

Email questions to actionline@durangoherald.com or mail them to Action Line, The Durango Herald, 1275 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301. You can request anonymity if you please stop using the phrase ‘Durango Formal’ to describe what is appropriate party attire. It’s neither cute nor helpful.



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