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My clingy college roommate is cramping my style

Q: My clingy college roommate is fond of me, which is flattering, but I have made other friends that I enjoy spending time with more. She is shy and has not really developed a social circle. She expects to hang out with me for meals and on weekends. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I want to build my own life, and I’m not sure we’d even be friends if we didn’t live together.

A: The key here is respectful, considerate baby steps: moving away from her (“Sorry I can’t hang out tonight”), toward helping her find her own interests (“I heard about the film club and thought of you!”), and toward expressing discomfort when you feel it (“I’m stressed about this paper – mind if we don’t talk right now?”).

By all means, you have a right to your own life. But imagine a way of fitting her into it on both of your terms, by appreciating a supportive, pleasant roommate relationship (which is nothing to sneeze at). Don’t dwell on the fact that you might not be friends if you didn’t live together – that’s the very definition of many beautiful (and weird) college friendships.

Q: I have clinical depression and an anxiety disorder. I’m taking medication, but that doesn’t make me completely normal. I understand that I should let my significant other know when something bothers me. The problem is, I don’t know how to separate my legitimate concerns from my irrational anxieties, and I feel that if I unload every little thing that bothers me I’ll drive him away.

A: Fortunately, you don’t have to separate your “legitimate concerns” from “irrational anxieties,” like a sort of color-coded cognitive Trapper Keeper. What’s important to share is your emotional reality.

Sometimes that involves legitimate concerns because they need to be worked through (“I’m worried about that insurance stuff. Could you help me decode the paperwork?”). Other times it involves irrational anxieties because they affect your mood and your interactions. No neat piles needed. Of course, therapy could help you further. The more you nurture your authentic self, the more scared you should be not of driving someone away, but of being with someone who’d be driven away by it.



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