Parenting coach and columnist Meghan Leahy answered questions recently in an online chat. Here is an edited excerpt.
Q: My 3-year-old has been so incredibly difficult recently. Everything is a struggle. Getting dressed in the morning is a 30-minute ordeal. Everything is “no” and a screaming fit. The rest of the day is the same. I don’t know what to do anymore; I’ve tried talking quietly, I’ve tried making it a game (“Let’s see if you can get your clothes on by the time I count to 20. You think you can do it?”), I’ve tried yelling, I’ve tried putting her directly in her bed when she doesn’t listen and closing the door. She goes completely nuts when I do that, but at least she then does what I say to do. But I hate how out-of-control angry that makes her. I’m basically at the end of my rope and feel as if I’m failing. Any advice?
A: First of all, I can hear your exhaustion, and I know that you are in a rough patch. I am sorry. If you take nothing else from this, please know that you are not failing. Not. Failing. Three-year-olds are widely known for being strong-willed. Your normally cooperative child will, suddenly, start fighting you on everything. And we throw everything we can at it (as you have). Distraction. Reasoning. Making it into a game. Yelling. Punishing. The punishment (leaving her in her room) works because it plays on every child’s worst fear (separation from you). While useful, this is not the direction you want to take your parenting, and you are wise enough to know this. You know that panicking her is not healthy or good. So, what else can we do?
Stop looking for ways to get her dressed and focus more on cultivating a strong connection with her. The website Positive Discipline has some simple ideas I love (“take time for hugs,” “hold weekly family meetings,” “share sad and happy times as part of the bedtime routine,” etc.). Connection techniques like this help the child to relax and feel safe. When children feel safe and relaxed, they tend to cooperate more. It is how all humans are – kids even more so.
Q: How do we get our two kids (4 and 5) out of overnight diapers? We’ve tried underwear, no drinks after 7 p.m., pee pads. What do you find is the best way to transition? We somehow did this with our first without a problem, but the other two we just can’t transition.
A: You don’t. The best thing my pediatrician ever told me was that you cannot train a child to hold it overnight. You can’t. It is a hormonal/maturity issue, and you cannot train or force it. You just have to wait.
Q: My child is now 20 months, and I have a friend who is newly pregnant. She keeps making “digs” about the choices I have made so far (birth plan, breast-feeding, co-sleeping, preschool, baptism, etc.). I have just smiled and shrugged it off because I don’t want to get into an argument, but it’s really hard to be around her. What is your advice for how to explain that (1) my choices were not an outline for society but merely my personal choices and (2) I am not going to judge her, so I would appreciate if she stopped with the comments?
A: Someone who makes “digs” about baptism, preschool and breast-feeding is not someone I would waste my time on. But. There is a friendship, and when someone is making digs, their judgment is showing their insecurities. It is not a reflection on your choices. So go ahead and say (1) and (2) to her. Say it kindly, say it firmly, and be ready for either an apology from her or a play at defensiveness. But either way, speak up. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Q: Our 3½-year-old grandchild loves helping with anything she can manage. She’s excited to help grandpa with the trash by getting a new trash bag out of the closet, opening it, putting it in the can and putting the can back in the cupboard. She recently helped me fold washcloths, asking in between each cloth, “Do you need help, Grandma?” which elicited a “Yes, I sure do.” Two questions: First, any suggestions on what we can ask for help with (we are so used to doing everything ourselves) and second, any way to continue to promote this delightful tendency, or will she just naturally outgrow wanting to do anything that seems like work?
A: When it comes to what this child can do, the sky is the limit: cleaning (polishing, tidying up, vacuuming, sweeping, organizing), cooking (tearing lettuce leaves, stirring, pouring, some measuring), gardening (pulling weeds, raking, you name it). Keep going! The more she learns and masters and feels important, the more she’ll keep it up.
