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Grieving the lost potential of Thomas Huber

Family dealt with adopted son’s reactive attachment disorder
Thomas Huber

When Thomas Huber, 19, was killed after running into traffic in Clifton on May 9, there was talk of drugs and alcohol. But the true story is centered on the pain of a child adopted after hardship and the adults who loved him and struggled to help him.

“When he first came home, he seemed to be thriving, he was confident, charming, warm,” said his father, the Rev. Jeff Huber, about the 9-year-old he and his wife, Tami, adopted from Ukraine in 2005. “Everything came unraveled in adolescence.”

Thomas’ early life was traumatic. His parents were unable to care for him because of problems with alcoholism, so he was raised by a great-grandmother. When Thomas was 5, his little sister, Viktoria “Vika,” was born, and he did much of the caregiving for the infant.

“We believe Vika lived because Thomas cared for her,” Tami Huber said. “Another sister who was born when he was 3 had died, and he carried guilt that he couldn’t save her.”

When Thomas was 7 and Vika was 2, their great-grandmother could no longer care for them, so the children were separated, with Thomas sent to an orphanage boarding school and Vika to a “baby house” orphanage.

The result of his early upheavals and disconnects was reactive attachment disorder, a condition often seen with older adopted and foster children.

“Reactive attachment disorder happens when children miss the opportunity to bond with an adult in the first three years of life,” said Nichole Noonan, communications director for the Institute for Attachment and Child Development in Littleton. “It can happen from neglect or abuse. If you look at the brain of a child with the disorder and one without, the brain of the child with the disorder looks different.”

The Hubers had applied to adopt two children more than two years before the adoption was finalized in 2005. Because of bureaucratic changes in Ukraine, they had begun to think the adoption wouldn’t happen, when a call came in on a Friday that they had an appointment on Monday. After negotiating a two-week postponement, they were off, navigating a complex and disorienting system to finalize the process.

And then they brought their new family home after enjoying some chicken Kiev in Kiev for Thanksgiving.

“Thomas presented like he was thriving, and Vika presented with lots of troubles,” Tami Huber said. “She seemed to be the one who needed more attention. It’s strange that in about seventh grade, she started blossoming, at the same age when Thomas’ life kind of fell apart.”

There were many highlights in the early years.

“He had a natural talent at soccer, and I coached his team in the third grade,” Jeff Huber said. “He kept scoring seven or eight goals every game, and I would ask him to pass the ball instead. He would start bossing around his teammates in Ukrainian, and they weren’t too sure what to do with that.”

The Hubers agreed to tell their story because they don’t want other families to feel the isolation they have felt over the last decade.

“I felt so alone,” Tami Huber said. “I don’t think even Jeff understood everything. In public, he seemed so charming, but at home, we were living with the difficult Thomas.”

After several episodes with Thomas running away and involvement with drugs and alcohol, the Hubers realized Thomas would not survive unless they got him specialized help. They enrolled him in Cedar Ridge Academy in Roosevelt, Utah, which they found through the Institute for Attachment.

“The place we preferred was $30,000 a year and just wasn’t affordable,” Jeff Huber said.

Thomas graduated from the Cedar Ridge program, but not without some ups and downs, including running away at least once.

“We hoped he would integrate back into the family, graduate from high school, get a driver’s license,” Jeff Huber said, “but he said he couldn’t live with the family because it was too hard for him to pretend. Kids can’t learn intellectually until they’re at a solid place emotionally, and he had so many emotional issues, it didn’t take much for him to be overwhelmed.”

For the past two years, Thomas had moved around, homeless for much of that time. At different times, the Hubers bought him bus tickets back to Durango from California and Memphis, Tennessee.

“In a weird twist of fate, he ended up at a youth homeless shelter in Denver I helped start when I was a youth pastor,” Jeff Huber said. “He desperately wanted to live life on his own terms, and he didn’t quite have the tools to do that.”

Vika, they said, had already been grieving for her big brother over the past few years.

“We grieve what could have been,” Tami Huber said. “While he had such potential and a certain charisma, in the end he had too many demons.”

abutler@durangoherald.com

Memorial service

A service of remembrance and celebration for Thomas Artyom Huber will be held at 6 p.m. Monday in the Ballroom in the Student Union at Fort Lewis College.

Memorial contributions may be sent the Institute for Attachment and Child Development at http://instituteforattachment.org, or to the First United Methodist Church of Durango with Thomas in the memo line, 2917 Aspen Drive, Durango,CO 81301.

For families dealing with adopted or foster teenagers struggling with reactive attachment disorder, the Rev. Jeff Huber recommends Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens, published by The Center for Adoption Support & Education.

The Hubers are available to talk with families who are in the same situation they were with Thomas through the Methodist Church, 247-4213.

Oct 22, 2016
Workshop explores reactive attachment disorder
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