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Orange-camo combo evades the Fashion Police
Action Line
Mike Smedley
Why do hunters wear orange coats and camouflage pants? - Sign me 'Eleanor Fudd' Wow. For the first time in modern Durango history, a local resident has noticed odd clothing and questioned a bizarre ward-robe combination.
This has serious implications.
Paying attention to what others are wearing endangers Durango's claim to fame as the Least Fashion Conscious Town in America.
We are a community at risk. Our way of life is threatened.
If Durangoans actually start caring about their attire, the local thrift-store industry would collapse.
Ecological disaster looms, as landfills are overwhelmed by heaps of bad shirts, clunky Birkenstocks, frumpy peasant skirts, fleece covered in dog hair and itchy oversized hemp sweaters.
The worst-case scenario: our favorite winter celebration would have a costume-neutral theme like "Snowdown Goes to Church" or "9 to 5: A Business Casual Snowdown." But the situation is not as dire as it might seem.
Wearing orange tops with pants that resemble leaves, bark and twigs is perfectly logical, according to local sporting goods personnel.
Jane Gustafson at Goods for the Woods points out state law requires all hunters, except those using arrows, to wear a minimum of 500 square inches of fluorescent orange above the waist. Part of that orange must also be as a hat.
The camo pants, meanwhile "break up the patterns," Jane said.
Dave Krebes at Gardenswartz concurred.
"Hunters need to blend in, but the orange is for safety," he said.
Orange and camo are state-sanctioned haberdashery, not a fashion faux pas.
The Fashion Police might be tempted to ticket for such outfits, but a higher authority, the Colorado Division of Wildlife, mandates the unconventional but eye-catching couture.
Maybe that's why they call hunting guides "outfitters." Box elder bugs are invading my house. Is there anything I can do, like make "Box Elder Burgundy Preserves" or "Pork with Box Elder and Garlic Sauce?" Box elder bugs must have some value. And what happened to box youngsters? - Bugged in Durango The ubiquitous insects are harmless, according to Darrin Parmenter, director and horticulture agent of the La Plata County Extension Office.
"But people seem to get nervous about them," he said.
Box elder bugs are attracted to the warmth of south-facing walls and the insides of homes, he said. With the recent cold temperatures, "most will be gone in a couple of weeks." As for their culinary use, an exhaustive check of the extension office's recipe box failed to turn up anything with box elder bugs as an ingredient, so you're on your own on that one.
If the creatures really annoy you, Parmenter said laundry detergent and water sprayed directly on the bugs will act as fairly decent "green" insecticide. "The mixture clogs the bugs' ability to respirate," he said.
However, the cure is worse than the disease. "If you spray, you'll have a bunch of soapy stains all over your walls." Your other option is to chop down every female box elder tree, which hosts the benign bugs.
Though it can't be confirmed, the bugs inside your home might actually be box youngsters interloping as a rite of passage.
If the insects make it through the winter without getting squished or sucked up by your vacuum cleaner, the bug council will bestow upon each surviving box youngster the honored title of box elder.
*** Our ballyhooed Bridge to Nowhere haunts the post-Halloween Mea Culpa Mailbag, with a dandy idea from our good friend Art.
"While the land-access issues are tied up in court, we could connect overpasses for exciting Monte Carlo-style go-kart racing. We could call it the Grandview Grand Prix," he suggests.
"At least there would be some sort of vehicle traffic using all those roads and bridges that are just sitting there." E-mail questions to actionline@durangoherald.com or mail them to Action Line, The Durango Herald, 1275 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301.
You can request anonymity if you can explain why it's called a box elder tree when the trunk is round.
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