A miraculous thing happened recently. My outward smile moved from my heart and into my eyes as I smiled at strangers, clerks in the store, blossoming flowers and budding leaves on the trees. I was smiling all day at everyone, everything, everywhere. After five-and-a-half years of grieving the loss of my beloved husband of 37 years and an accident that left me unable to walk for the most part of five years, recently, I truly smiled, and it spilled out from my heart into my eyes and into the world – and most miraculous of all is that I didn’t feel guilty to feel so wonderful. I actually felt that it was OK to be the self I was before falling into the vortex of devastating loss and hopelessness, cursing the sun for having the audacity to raise its sunny face to mock me again for still being alive.
I wasn’t depressed about my wrinkles or my bank account. I rejoiced that the sun filled me with its beauty and warmth, seducing the flowers into bloom and the calves and foals and sheep from their mothers’ bellies. I remembered how very much I love this life and its infinite beauty and mystery and possibility. I remembered what a gift it is to live in Durango and get to share this stage with all of you! I believe that I have finally remembered the recipe for happiness that I had thought I lost forever when my husband died in 2008. It is true that happiness is an inside job. I know my husband, Ronnie, is smiling with me now and, somehow, I trust that tomorrow’s going to be even more miraculous, and he’ll be there with me savoring every moment!
Susan Urban
Durango
