Dear Rachel,
I am currently visiting relatives and my brother arranged and paid for a ride for me from the Newark airport to my hotel in the Connecticut suburbs. Because of traffic and an accident it took three hours. The driver talked the entire three hours, about himself, his health problems, his past jobs, his future plans. By the time I got out of the car I felt assaulted from all the talking. My head hurt for hours. It also concerned me that he turned his head frequently toward me, taking his eyes off the road. He is scheduled to drive me back to the Newark airport. My brother is very pleased to have set this up for me and it would hurt him if I made other arrangements. I am dreading it. How do I handle it?
Signed, Trying to Avoid a Headache
Dear Trying to Avoid a Headache,
I have to wonder if your driver, after unloading the prevailing contents of his brain, also had a headache, or perhaps felt the emptiness of three hours of human interaction that does not actually lead to any meaningful connection.
Because you are not in any long term relationship with this person, you will likely never know what drives these monologues, nor have much ground to shift the dynamic. And still, you need to catch your flight out of Jersey. And it sounds like in the calculus of suffering, you gritting it out while the driver downloads every passing thought is preferable to the possibility of hurting your brother by eschewing his ostensive kindness. More on that later.
I suggest you tell your driver, as soon as you’re buckled up, that you’re grateful for his willingness to ferry you to the airport. And then, let him know what you would like to do during this car ride that is not talking (or listening, as it were). You might say, “It’ll work best for me to (fill in the blank): read my book, listen to a podcast, catch up on some work, listen to music, and I won’t be available to chat this time. I’m happy for you to listen to your own music or podcast, or whatever works for you.” Maybe not talking will even help him focus on the road, in case it’s true what they say about Jersey drivers.
This could be a small but poignant step in asking for what you want in a way that also takes others into consideration. When we prioritize others’ comfort at the expense of our own needs, it perpetuates two tragic, though culturally inherited, beliefs. One: Risking displeasing others is a threat to our acceptance and belonging; thus, our belonging comes at the cost of us not being our authentic selves. Two: When we don’t like someone else’s strategy, we must give in or override it; and thus only one of us gets our needs met.
This comes into play with your ride-arranging brother as well. It sounds like what matters to him is contributing to the ease of your travels by hand delivering you (by proxy) from the suburbs of Connecticut to the Newark airport. But wait – this solution is not contributing to your ease! Maybe your bro would enjoy being consulted – as an expert in the field! – on alternative routes and delivery methods as another way to contribute to you. Maybe a train ride as a cultural experience like certified under-slept and harried commuters? Or, a stop for a museum visit and lunch in New York City via Uber?
Life is infinitely more enjoyable when we can envision multiple win-win possibilities, rather than centering others’ comfort while our craniums throb with tension. And, always carry ibuprofen.
Rachel Turiel is a Nonviolent Communication Mediator and Coach who supports people to hear each other and work things out. Submit a question at [email protected]