I thought you might to get a kick out of the boys’ latest snowman idea: Snowmen running in horror through Memorial Park at the thought of Donald Trump for president. (Sigh.) What is Action Line’s take on this? – Cindy in Animas City
Allow Action Line to compliment you on your excellent Photoshop skills. We now have “proof” that Donald Trump not only campaigned locally but he’s fighting to make Animas City great again.
However, before going any further, we must point out a couple of things. Yes, this is a genuine image of Donald Trump. And yes, this is a genuine image of Memorial Park in the Animas City neighborhood, taken two weeks ago after the first snowfall of the season.
But just because two things are real doesn’t mean that putting them together makes them doubly true.
In other words, a photo of The Donald harassing snowmen in a local park should raise some red flags.
So should the fact that the Monday following a Christmas weekend is just about the slowest news day of the year.
That this photo appears in Action Line should leave no doubts.
Thank you, Captain Obvious.
But just in case Trump actually did visit Durango, he would surely make some offensive utterances. Imagine the possibilities.
For instance, he might call for “a total and complete shutdown of tourists entering La Plata County until our representatives can figure out what is going on.”
He could question City Councilor Dick White’s U.S. citizenship and demand to examine his birth certificate.
Trump might even claim to have seen local TV news broadcasts of thousands of people cheering after the EPA caused the Gold King Mine spill.
Of course, if The Donald came to Durango, he would announce he’s buying the Strater Hotel and turning it into “Trump Durango.”
He’d get rid of all that old-time junk cluttering the hotel and emblazon “TRUMP” across the rooftop in blinding white lights.
The only problem is that when La Plata Electric has a power surge, the “T” on TRUMP might burn out. This result would set a new standard for truth in advertising.
Should The Donald come to Durango, all the other politicians would have to follow.
Hillary Clinton would blow into town to set up a secret, personal email server with Brainstorm Internet.
This would prompt Bernie Sanders’ campaign to hack into the server, followed by demands to be included in the 2016 Local First coupon book.
In the meantime, Ben Carson would return and blame School District 9-R’s bus problems on the fact that the drivers were immunized as children.
All the other Republicans would want to get in on the action, insisting that Durango be the site of the next presidential candidate debate.
After all, if liberal Boulder hosted a debate, why not its equally progressive sister city?
Things would get complicated when Fort Lewis College refuses to hold the event as a matter of principle. But not for political reasons.
It’s the word “debate.”
As an institution of higher education, FLC strongly objects using this word to describe what the Republican candidates are doing on stage.
Therefore, the blusterfest would move to the Smiley auditorium, where candidates could deride the building’s un-American solar panels.
Incensed, the Democratic Central Committee would call for a new tax on gasoline to fund infrastructure improvements, including the restoration of the Arc of History.
As for the snowmen, many candidates are major fans of Frosty and crew.
You see, the existence of snowmen proves that there is no global warming.
Email questions to actionline@durangoherald.com or mail them to Action Line, The Durango Herald, 1275 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301. You can request anonymity if you take all those cookies and candies to work this week so that your co-workers, not you, will pack on the pounds.
