Dear Rachel,
My new boyfriend is a wonderful guy and we’re very compatible. The one issue is that he is extremely jealous of a friendship I have with a close male friend. We’ve tried to talk about it multiple times, usually in a calm, adult fashion. However, we have hit a stalemate as I am unwilling to give up this old friendship and he sees this man as an ex-boyfriend (which he is not; we hug when we greet each other but have never had a physical relationship). He has said I “light up” when I am around him in a different way than with other friends and has asked that I stop all contact with him. I explained that different people bring out different aspects in us. He is fine with me around all my other friends. I have limited my contact with this male friend over the last nine months of this new relationship to try to build trust with my new partner, however, my old male friend is my close ski and mountain bike buddy as well as a confidant. I am unsure how to proceed. I don’t like people telling me who I can and cannot see and I wonder at times what sort of relationship I am getting into. I would really appreciate your input into this.
Dear New Girlfriend,
I love reading British mysteries, although I have never once put all the pieces together before the salty, tobacco-dependent detective illuminating the whole brazen and doomed plan. However, once the solution is revealed, all the evidence comes into focus like an ocean liner approaching the shore. Dear Girlfriend, all the clues are here. And it doesn’t require a hard-living sleuth to uncover. Let’s review.
No. 1, when people are willing to reveal things about themselves that are not generally flattering, it makes them more trustworthy narrators of their experience. Give your boyfriend some appreciation for his transparency. His honesty makes it less likely the jealousy will come out in some veiled, cryptic way, which tends to create 10 extra conflicts on top of the original.
Second, pay attention to this authentic expression and what it means. He is extremely jealous of a cherished male friend of yours, and his one solution is for you to cease all contact. This tracks as an ultimatum, not a true solution; and it’s neither “calm” nor “adult.”
Also, might his suspicion that you “light up” around your male friend actually be a clue that you do have some feelings for him? Sure, “different people bring out different aspects in us.” Good friends typically bring out a relaxed, platonic fondness that doesn’t ring alarm bells for our partners. Please investigate your feelings for this friend.
Third, notice your reaction. Although you say you don’t like people telling you who you can and cannot see, you are already limiting contact with this adventure buddy and confidant. I don’t believe you are doing this out of an openhearted willingness to contribute to your new paramour. It sounds like you are doing your best to assuage your boyfriend’s discomfort. This is the type of scenario that is likely to taint the groundwater of your relationship, hatching resentment or even sneakiness like so many mosquito larvae.
This is all the evidence. Now, to solving:
I suggest you and wonderful boyfriend sit down together to discuss how you can continue to invest in a friendship that matters to you while also putting your boyfriend at ease. Building these muscles of collaboration is the linchpin of your relationship (the essential piece of a system that holds everything together).
Could boyfriend consider working on his experience of jealousy and possibly transforming it over time with support? Would it help if you, your boyfriend and your ski buddy try hanging out together to diffuse the notion that there are any surreptitious feelings?
Your boyfriend says you “light up” around this friend. Would he like to see the bulb of your adoration turn on more frequently in his company? What might this look like?
Ultimately, any strategy you come up with is less important than growing the capacity to find truly collaborative solutions around challenges that arise. This will not be the last.
Rachel Turiel is a nonviolent communication mediator and coach who supports people to hear each other and work things out. Submit a question at [email protected].