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Horoscope’s advice comes from another planet

I’m worried about my horoscope and whether it’s offering the best advice. In the Herald’s Friday (March 27) edition, Scorpios are told: “Grab every chance to party and have fun today. Enjoy sports events and playful activities with kids. This is a nice day for a romantic date. Enjoy yourself.” Uh-oh. Sign me, Zoe D. Ack

That’s not a horoscope. It’s a horror-scope.

And if you really want some pandemic pedantry, let’s call it a hortatory horror-scope having abhorrent horology.

In other words, this star-crossed guidance couldn’t come at a worse possible time.

“Party and have fun?” Party, no. Fun, yes.

The challenge is figuring out how “party” and “fun” can be separated and then experienced in isolation.

“Enjoy sports events?” Um ... all sports all been canceled.

No one can root when we’re routed in a rut. Rats!

This virus has really put the “stay” in stadium.

Likewise for spectators.

You can shorten spectators to “taters,” because they’re immobile on the couch, staring blankly at their televisions with no live athletic events to watch.

On the other hand, “playful activities with kids” is easy when there’s no school.

What else is there to do after blowing off online lessons?

If anything, this experience proves conclusively that teachers are overworked and underpaid.

Regarding the horror-scope’s suggestion to have a “romantic date?”

Just one piece of helpful advice:

Practice safe six.

That’s 6 – as in feet apart.

Other than that, feel free to “enjoy yourself” within the strict limitations of social distancing and the constant drumbeat of impending doom.

But not all horoscopes come from an alternative galaxy.

Take Action Line’s horoscope appearing the day this column is being written.

For those under the Cancer sign, of which Action Line is on the cusp, the divination reads thusly:

“Today, the Moon is in your sign dancing with Mercury, which makes communications with others positive and practical. People are impressed with your common sense.”

Well then.

This might be the only time “positive,” “practical,” “impressed” and “common sense” have ever been associated with Action Line.

Wait a sec … this horoscope was for Wednesday, April 1. That’s April Fool’s Day.

The sound you hear is the universe laughing and taunting, “Gotcha, Action Line, you smart-alecky chump!”

Maybe it’s time to furlough all noncritical horoscopes.

In their place, here are some universal lodestars applicable for all signs of the zodiac while the entire planet is in retrograde:

“Singing ‘Happy Birthday’ back-to-back while washing your hands will help you enjoy many more happy birthdays to come.”“Touching your face is natural. But in these times, you need to perform unnatural acts, such as ignoring that itch on your nose.”“Go the distance on social distancing. Take great lengths – like 6 feet – to protect yourself and our community.”

•••

“Singing ‘Happy Birthday’ back-to-back while washing your hands will help you enjoy many more happy birthdays to come.”“Touching your face is natural. But in these times, you need to perform unnatural acts, such as ignoring that itch on your nose.”“Go the distance on social distancing. Take great lengths – like 6 feet – to protect yourself and our community.”The Mea Culpa Mailbag was atwitter about a stock photo used in last week’s column (“On a lighter note, here’s how goldfinches change color”).

For the record, local birds turning yellow are American goldfinches.

However, the Adobe Stock photo illustrating the column showed European goldfinches, which aren’t found in North America.

How can you tell them apart?

European goldfinches have a red faces. So does lazy Action Line, who should have taken a photo of goldfinches snarfing seeds at the backyard feeder but didn’t.

Thanks to eagle-eyed readers Marilyn Collett, and Dusty and Roger MacDougall who spotted the birdbrained mistake.

Email questions to actionline@durangoherald.com or mail them to Action Line, The Durango Herald, 1275 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301. You can request anonymity if your tea leaves tell you get some fortune cookies.

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