Q: My almost-6-year-old son has recently started learning that certain words and phrases are not nice and has, of course, been using them repeatedly. His favorites are “You are stupid” and “Shut up.” There has been the occasional F-word, but it is mostly the first two. We’ve told him that we don’t use mean words. We’ve tried mostly ignoring it, as it is obviously a way to get a reaction. However, he says these things to his 3-year-old brother, who starts crying and getting upset. He does it as soon as there isn’t a parent in the room or, if we are there, he looks at us with a smug smile – and I can’t ignore that. I have been telling him, “All right, that is enough,” and trying to move on to a different activity or having him sit for a time-in with me, but that doesn’t seem to have any effect. I am considering having him lose something, such as a toy or dessert, or making him pay me a penny every time, but if that doesn’t work, it seems as though I will have to keep escalating the consequences and making things even worse.

A: You are at an important crossroads. Your child is meeting you with defiance, and it naturally makes you want to teach him a lesson. I get it. There is nothing like hearing an F-bomb come out of your child’s mouth, but then to add a smirk? All buttons have been pushed.

I am going to invite you, though, to look at this another way. Before I get to that, let me congratulate you on how you have been handling it. You have resisted smacking him, spanking him, dragging him to his room, lecturing him and putting him in timeout. I also want you to know that while you might feel as if your family is the only one in the world with a foul-mouthed 6-year-old, it isn’t. There are many parents reading this who are facing the same issue.

The language is definitely button-pushing, but it is the smug smile that really grabbed my attention. That says something to me about your relationship, and that is what we need to focus on.

While annoying, it is fairly common and somewhat normal for children to push boundaries with language. It is a way for your son to allow his aggression and frustration to come out. A year or two ago, he may have been pushing, hitting, taking toys or throwing tantrums. These explosions are replaced with language, and he is inviting you into the struggle (and upping the ante) with the smile.

Many children experiment with a new word or phrase, and the parent will say, “Hey! No!” You see alarm in the child’s eyes because they have crossed a boundary and the parent has issued a warning. The child retreats, ending the skirmish. When these warnings happen multiple times a day, your child can easily become immune from hearing them so often. A child will stop responding to warnings when that is all you use.

And your son is not responding to your warnings.

Your natural inclination is to up the ante. Punish him. Take something away. Apply a consequence. Send him to his room. Back in the day, we had soap put in our mouths or were spanked. And, oh boy, do I understand the desire to punish an F-bomb-dropping, smirking child. But that is not going to work.

Why?

If we go past the language and the smirk, we understand that this child needs something else from you.

He needs you to step up, but not with punishment. He needs more encouragement.

There is a saying in the parenting education world: The more difficult the child, the more support and encouragement the child needs.

So let’s resist the negative stuff. It’s faulty logic: His negativity plus your negativity equals better behavior? No. That doesn’t make sense. Instead, see your son as a cup. Right now, his cup is getting filled with the drama he is causing. You need to fill his cup with more positive attention.

The first thing you need to do is some old-fashioned emotion coaching. Those bad words are a reflection of some frustration inside your son, so help him let that frustration out. Get sweet and cuddly with him, and say something like, “Hey, buddy. I noticed you are saying some tough words as of late. It must be pretty frustrating having a little brother, right?” See if he opens up about his feelings a bit. Do some serious nodding and agreeing, no matter how big the emotions and feelings get. Keep reflecting his emotions back to him using feeling words.

Next, state the rules of the house: “All emotions are welcome in this family, and we are not going to say, ‘You’re stupid’ or ‘Shut up’ to one another. I am going to help you not say it, because I know your heart. You are a kind and loving boy, and I will help you remember your feeling words.”

When he slips (which he will), you are going to get right in there. “It sounds as if you have a ton of frustration in you. What is it that we need to say here?” See if you can coax it out. If you cannot, keep the moment moving along. If you dig for apologies and he is resisting, just stop. You will find yourself in a power struggle (and right back at square one).

No matter what, continue to connect to him outside the drama. If he had a bad day, cuddle with him and say, “Yes, today was a little rough, but no matter what, I still love you.” Continue to let him know that you will not stop loving him, no matter what, and that you know both of you will get through this.

In addition, plan some special time with him. Have fun with him as you play sports, make art, watch a movie, go to a bookstore, read – anything where smiling and pure play will happen. Make sure he feels like a source of enjoyment. Show him his baby pictures, and tell him all of the stories. He will feel more and more special, and you will watch the salty language dwindle.