By Martha McClellan
This is a gift we are receiving from Verlena Collentine, sharing her last months of life with us. Her journey through ovarian cancer (the “silent killer”) has come to another bridge-crossing, one of stopping all medical interventions and living out her last days with some joy, comfort and quality.
She has asked me to document her journey. Her intention is to share her story so her children and others can benefit from her transition. This is the heart of her generosity and her wish to keep giving until the end.
“People are scared; I want to displace the fear of death,” she said. “I’m not dying of cancer, I’m living with it. This is ‘the’ cancer, not ‘my’ cancer.”
By making this journey public, she hopes others will be supported, guided and able to retain some joy in their lives, as she is.
One in three ovarian cancer patients die within five years; two in three die sooner. Being diagnosed almost three years ago, Verlena has spent this time with treatments, medical therapies and hope. She’s had nine different chemo treatments and a clinical trial. Her cancer antigen should not be higher than 35, but has jumped to 4085 in the past year. Her CT scans show growth of the tumors, and sores, nausea and fatigue have driven her to bed much of the time. She has had little energy to be with friends and a diminished quality of life.
Her medical battle is over now. The life-ending decision came to her alone, while meditating. She at once felt relief, and also sadness. Her team of family and friends was behind her all the way. “The not-knowing was over,” she says.
This sharing from Verlena, month-to-month, on how it is to die can inform and enliven how we live and how we relate to one another. Her testimony can serve her by reflection and being with what is really happening. As we bear witness, it can give us insight and inspiration.
I first met Verlena in January 2016, when working on a story related to the End of Life Options Act, which many of us were trying to pass in Colorado. She felt then that if her discomfort would prohibit her from having purpose and joy in her life, she would want to end her life peacefully at home; she is pleased that she has the option to do so if she chooses.
She wanted to have the opportunity to say goodbye to loved ones, as opposed to being in a hospital hooked up to tubes and wires and having her life prolonged. She wanted to make the decisions about her life, illness and death, and participate actively in this cause.
Verlena turned 70 in April, and her family consists of three grown children, their partners and five grandchildren. Her husband died suddenly in 2005, and her parents both experienced long, drawn-out deaths. She finds strength in having some control over her death, and would like this courage to be her legacy for her family.
It’s all about family and friends. Feeling good now, she just traveled to Alaska to visit family, with plans for Albuquerque in July with girlfriends. She recently walked four and a half miles on the river trail, does armband work for upper body strength and eats a healthy diet. She lunches out with friends, attends a book club, loves to knit and read and generally has a life she enjoys now. She’s reading Being Mortal, A Year to Live, Tuesdays with Morrie, The Bright Hour: A Memoir of Living and Dying, and Pride and Prejudice.
Verlena is also putting legal papers in order, visiting with a Realtor for the eventual sale of her house, writing her obituary and beginning to meet with hospice. She connects with me several times each month to tell her story, to express what it’s like and share her deepest thoughts and feelings.
She speaks more from the heart, talks about how surreal things are now and how much beauty she sees in everything. She is reprioritizing her time and energy, is more fully alive in each moment and embraces life with increased intensity in this time left to her.
She can expect some decline in the next few months. Not knowing how this will go is another lesson in not having expectations, and just being with whatever is happening. Verlena wants to enjoy this last summer, and she really wants to see the first snowfall. What wonderful natural goals and images these are; is not dying the same natural way of life?
Martha McClellan writes the Herald’s monthly column, “Authentic Aging.” She is writing about Verlena’s journey in a four-part series. Future installments will appear in “Authentic Aging” the first weekend of each month through October. Reach her at mmm@bresnan.net
