DEAR ABBY: I’m in my early 20s, and my 18-year-old sister, “Judy,” attends community college. My memories of us include her putting me down. We reconciled as I moved out.
Abby, she is dependent on the family. If I refuse to help her, my family tells me I’m selfish or calls me a rude word. They joke that she’s going to live with me and remain dependent until our parents die. I heard she looks forward to the day that I can support her.
I have tried pointing out that it’s neither healthy nor realistic, and her issues aren’t my fault, but again, I am put down. They say we’re family and it’s my job to take care of her. But when did family become a job? – Overwhelmed Sister
DEAR OVERWHELMED SISTER: Rather than listen to hearsay, ask your sister directly if she expects you to support her in years to come, because it may not be true. However, if it is, she needs to hear firsthand that it’s not going to happen.
If your parents truly believe that your sister will not become self-sufficient, point out to them that they had better start putting money into a trust for her, if they haven’t already, and name a trustee other than you. Being her caretaker is not your job, and you should not allow yourself to be bullied, shamed or ridiculed into agreeing to it.
DEAR ABBY: My fiancée always sets his alarm for between 5 and 6 a.m. for work or school. His clock has two alarms, which he sets 10 minutes apart. If he doesn’t get out of bed on the second alarm, he either hits “snooze” or turns it off and goes back to sleep.
On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I wake up at 5 a.m., so I make sure he’s awake before I leave at 5:30. However, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, or any day that I don’t get up to wake him, he’s late for work or school.
I have tried telling him that I won’t wake him up and he needs to be responsible for himself because I don’t want to get up every morning at 5. This hasn’t worked. Help! – Morning Mary in Moscow, Idaho
DEAR MARY: I’ll try, but you may not like what I have to say. Much as you want to help your fiancée, what you have done is enable him to “mom-ify” you. Until he suffers the consequences for his chronic tardiness, nothing will change, and he will continue to place the burden of dragging him out of bed squarely on your shoulders.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
