When you get married, divorce is probably the last thing on your mind. But it happens – a lot.
And if kids are involved, the end of a marriage complicates more than two lives. Not only is the soon-to-be-former couple figuring out how to split their assets, move away from each other and rebuild their lives, they have kids to care for. Where will they live? How are they handling this?
Fortunately, there’s help.
Committed parents can make the transition from a one-household family to two a little easier on everyone.
Liza Tregillus, a Durango parent/youth coach and play therapist, says one of the biggest things parents can do to help their kids is to be flexible and remember that the children also have an emotional stake in what is going on.
“(Kids) are pretty flexible, but it’s hard on them, and sometimes, they may not want to spend time with one of the parents,” she said. “You have to support the parenting time if there can be some flexibility.
“Say it’s a special event with a friend, and they want to be at their mom’s house,” she said. “If the kid is really anxious and wants to talk to mom, let him go, because the more rigid it is, the more the child feels a loss of control and connection they need to thrive.”
Dave Culver, who has been working with parents going through divorce in La Plata and Montezuma counties since 1994, says structure and flexibility go hand in hand.
“One of the things that is a benefit for kids is structure, knowing where they’re going to be spending the night, when they’re going to be with this parent, when they’re going to be with that parent – but that’s difficult to set in place,” he said. “But that free and easy access, to me, means that if my son’s spending the night with me and he wants to do something with his mom, or she wants to do something with him, that he knows it’s OK and I’m not going to get upset about it.”
Fighting is going to happen, in fact, chances are fighting has already been happening. Parents probably can’t avoid it; but they should learn how to do it productively.
“It’s not that you want to hide fighting,” Tregillus said.
She suggested seeking out a mediator or working with a counselor so a couple can learn how to negotiate their differences.
She said these sessions can help parents gain the ability to respect each other, the ability to problem-solve and stay neutral.
Neutrality is key, Tregillus said, because parents shouldn’t want their child to develop a loyalty conflict – feeling like he or she is torn between the two parents and has to pick a side.
And bad-mouthing an ex in front of the child is not productive.
“The child is partly that other person, so when you’re saying something bad about their dad, by association, (you’re) saying something bad about someone who is part of (your) own child,” she said. “The more they can stay positive about the other parent and the child understands that it’s not their fault” the better for everyone.
The confusion and hurt a child feels from parents’ negativity can stick around.
“That’s the difficult part, because for kids ... they’re caught in the middle between the two most important people in their lives – that’s mom and dad,” Culver said. “They’re trying to figure out how to love both of them, how to care about both of them, how to support both of them and do that in a way that doesn’t upset the other person’s feelings.”
Culver said that after a couple’s intimate relationship dies, their parenting relationship must evolve and needs to be cultivated for the sake of the kids – and that’s the difficult part.
“Do everything you can to not talk about the logistics of time management, schedules, money in front of them,” he said. “The worst time to do it is at the exchange time ... because kids feel like it’s their responsibility.”
Culver said kids of all ages are sensitive to the tension between their parents.
“That tension is inherent in this process, and the only people who can manage it are the adults, and some adults choose to do it, some choose not to,” he said, adding that the ones who can keep that tension to a minimum are going to be more successful.
In the end, divorce is something that everyone in a family will experience logistically and emotionally – and these effects linger.
“Everybody loses,” Culver said. “That’s one of the things about divorce: Everybody loses. The parents, the kids, everybody. The tasks gets to be: How do we cut the losses to a minimum – and (make) the impact of those losses not so painful, not so hurtful?”
katie@durangoherald.com
