Q: My brother (and sister-in-law) made a donation to a religious organization in honor of my wife and me (a married lesbian couple). The gesture was very kind, and the charity does some good work. But it is also connected to the evangelical Christian movement, which has discriminated against LGBT people. We’d never give our money to them, and we feel queasy about our names showing up on any list of donors. How do I acknowledge this well-intentioned but problematic gift? - Name withheld, San Francisco
A: It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters, said Epictetus, the ancient Greek philosopher slave. When it comes to family matters, I’d double down on that advice. So, take a deep breath, sister. And one more breath for good measure – and good family relations. In that spirit, I posed your question on Facebook, and here’s what folks suggested:
1. “Assume the best – they’re just unaware. Be gracious and say thank you. Move on.”
2. “Take this opportunity to gently educate your brother and sister-in-law about the organization’s work. Ask them to make sure their donation is not spent on anti-LGBT efforts.”
3. “Have a hissy fit and tell them to take your name off the donation and put theirs on instead.”
Are you thinking, number 3? After all, a snark attack is a good release – a convenient way to combine any other lingering resentments into one nasty download. But no fireworks this early in the year, so I’m going with number 2 with a twist: Explain to your family members why you’re troubled, yet thankful, for this donation in your name. And ask them to hit the delete key when it comes to your name.
How to do this without anger or attitude? “I’d start by explaining to family how over the years we’ve become a lot more aware of how we spend our money, where we travel, make purchases and our charitable donations,” said Fred Silverman, who long led Apple’s worldwide philanthropic efforts. For Silverman and his husband, “an important lens is assessing the human rights (including LGBT rights) positions of the entities proposed.”
For others, it may be the homeless, children or immigrants. I’d hope your brother and sister-in-law would be grateful for the information, assuming it’s delivered graciously.
But don’t stop there: Ask them to instruct the organization not to spend the gift on anti-LGBT initiatives. Provide your brother and his wife with information about the challenges LGBT people still face, especially from evangelicals, and ask them to speak with the organization’s leaders in a “teachable moment,” said Tim Gill, co-chairman of the Gill Foundation, a funder of LGBT-rights work. Depending on how much time you want to invest, volunteer to join that discussion because putting a face with an issue always makes it more personal.
Last, why worry about your name on a donor list? Anyone who Googles you would probably see your name on the organization’s website, which could tarnish your reputation, and if you’re a politician or a journalist, among other professions, make for a nasty headache. I’ll bet ABC News anchorman George Stephanopoulos regrets his donations to the Clinton Foundation.
But before you schedule that appointment, think about where you send and spend your own hard-earned money. “It’s hard to educate someone else when you haven’t done it yourself” Charlie Rounds, a veteran of the philanthropic world, told me. Ask yourself: How do you spend your dollars on a daily basis? Do your purchases always line up with your values? I’ll admit that I’ve fallen short in answering that second question myself.
For instance, are you aware that Koch Industries, known for its support of ultra-conservative causes, has a stake in Georgia-Pacific, the conglomerate that makes Brawny paper towels, Dixie plates and Angel Soft toilet paper? At the same time, definitely muddling the picture, David Koch told Politico in 2012 that he supported same-sex marriage and the legalization of pot.
Confusing, yes. Is doing this level of research practical for all purchases? No.
For conservative Christians, shopping is actually made easier by lists such as the annual “Naughty or Nice” one from the American Family Association, which has been designated as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center for its anti-LGBT positions. Cracker Barrel, Kirkland’s and Michael’s Stores topped the “Nice” list in 2015, while those on the “Naughty” list include Amazon, Nordstrom and, oh my, Victoria’s Secret.
A final word to all those contemplating donations in the name of others: Don’t use them as an excuse to impose your views on others in the guise of charity. If you don’t know what organization someone supports, ask them, and only then make a donation in their honor. After all, that’s the brotherly or sisterly thing to do.
