This topic is appearing more and more in the press these days, and I find it fascinating that there should be a different paradigm as to how we treat our children. Parents are noticing homosexual tendencies in their very young children, and wondering “what to do.” Do we do anything differently? Do we still love them unconditionally? Do we support them no matter what their inclination, interests or passions may be?
Most overt sexual-behavioral characteristics are suppressed until puberty, ages 8 to 15. Before this critical time in human development, children can and do express a wide range of behaviors, none of which should be interpreted to indicate sexual preference at such an early age. I have observed preschool-age children with strong opposite-gender tendencies, and have known some to grow up homosexual and some heterosexual.
Sexual orientation is most likely something people are born with, according to most of the research. Evidence points to the hormonal/immunological environment inside the womb as having a large influence on ultimate sexual orientation.
Many parents fear this development and are at a loss how to parent a child with strong inclinations. They fear their child may not be safe if he or she is gay or lesbian. Whether it’s bullying, physical threats or sexual degradation, they feel helpless to protect their kids. Parents also ask themselves, “What did I do wrong?” We all take responsibility for how our kids turn out and maybe this situation is different, in that it’s more nature than nurture. Parents also wonder if their kids will ever find love and have a family and are certain they will have a rough life.
If parenting young children with strong tendencies, love them and respect them as we would any child. For older kids, Anne Dohrenwend has written a new book, Coming Around: Parenting Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids, and says people grow when they’re challenged. Lots is learned from oppression and overcoming it.
When parents accept their kids’ sexual orientation, it reduces the risk for just about everything: depression, suicide, anxiety, the impact of bullying, the likelihood to smoke, the likelihood of dropping out of school. In just about every way, parental support is the key factor.
If parents think their kids at the adolescent age might be gay, encourage them to come out and talk about it. If our kids have our support and we teach them to be proud and assertive, they can have every chance at happiness. The world is changing quickly and becoming increasingly inclusive, and all kids can have good lives.
We all need to accept our kids for exactly who they are, whether they are Merit Scholars, stutterers, redheaded or gay.
I’m reading that eventually, many parents do come to accept their gay and lesbian children and some don’t. Perhaps parents could have a coming out as well, and the parent/child bond will be strengthened as both grow. Kids need to have hope about parents coming around, and at the same time they need to learn how to move forward and grieve losses and be happy. These decisions do depend on parents.
Martha McClellan has been an early care child educator, director and administrator for 36 years. She currently has an early childhood consulting business, supporting child care centers and families. Reach her at mmm@bresnan.net.
