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3 Days to Kill
Wow, that was so bad it was pretty great. The term “guilty pleasure” was invented for this kind of movie.
Nearly every other scene in “3 Days to Kill” is so audaciously terrible, you don’t know whether to cringe or chortle.Time and again in this movie, I saw things I don’t think I’ve ever seen before on the big screen. Just a few examples:
A father teaching his 16-year-old daughter to ride a purple bicycle in a Parisian plaza, as the locals look on and offer encouragement and applause.
A multigenerational family of wise and kind squatters that has taken over an empty apartment and seem to have the means to paint the place, redecorate and cook wonderful candle-lit dinners as they wait for one of their own to give birth. I almost expected three wise men to show up when the child was born.
An assassin telling one of his marks he’s not going to kill him “because you’re the father that knows best.” That’s not a code. The mark is actually the father of twin teenage daughters that dress identically.
A brief phone call in which one spy says to another, “The Albino is staying at the Grand Hotel.” How great is that!
Oh, and there’s also a reprise of one of Kevin Costner’s most iconic film moments from 20 years ago. Let’s just say they should have cued the Whitney Houston music.
What’s that? Story? OK, let’s give it a shot.
Kevin Costner, who has a weighty, old-school, movie star presence whether he’s in a quality film or a piece of schlock, is all grizzled and gruff as Ethan Renner, the obligatory aging CIA hit man who can “clean” a room filled with henchmen half his age without working up a sweat. When Ethan learns he has just a few months to live, he bids adieu to the agency and heads to Paris to reconnect with his estranged wife, Christine (Connie Nielsen), and his 16-year-old daughter, Zoey (Hailee Steinfeld), whom he hasn’t seen in about a half-dozen years.
Ah, the old “I was never around” secret agent rescue fantasy plotline!
Sporting a number of S/M outfits more befitting a soft-core dominatrix model than a high-level CIA operative, Amber Heard’s Vivi Delay – you heard me, Vivi Delay – tells Ethan she can give him doses of a magic, experimental medication that could prolong his life. All Ethan has to do is agree to kill a couple of notorious bad guys known as the Wolf and the Albino, and Vivi Delay – you heard me, Vivi Delay – will give Ethan $50,000, a $1 million life insurance policy and regular doses of that experimental medication, which by the way creates terrible side effects that leave Ethan bleeding from the nose, hallucinating and collapsing at all the wrong times.
Given that Vivi has Grand Prix-level driving skills, is a skilled shot and seems to know every move the Wolf and the Albino make, it’s not entirely clear why she needs Ethan at all, but who cares; it’s terrific fun watching Ethan pursue his targets while trying to bond with his rebellious daughter. Hey, if you’re about to torture a Sicilian-born accountant named Guido while you’re on the phone with your kid as she’s fretting about not knowing how to cook a meal for her boyfriend, why NOT put Guido the Sicilian accountant on the phone so he can share his mama’s secret recipe?
This is the kind of inspired lunacy that makes “3 Days to Kill” such a zany treat. Costner plays Ethan as a kind of Eastwoodian straight man who has fallen through the rabbit hole and is navigating his way through one insanely surreal adventure after another, whether he’s rescuing his daughter from three predators in the bathroom at a rave; torturing a victim by duct-taping his hairy armpits and then letting it rip; taking time out to attend a principal-parent conference at the school; engaging in broad-daylight shootouts that you’d think would attract the attention of the French authorities; or selecting Bread’s “Make It With You” as the musical choice when teaching his daughter how to dance. You’ll not likely see a film with more WTF moments than this one.
Some of this lunacy no doubt comes from co-writer Luc Besson, who has been a major contributing force to “The Professional,” “The Fifth Element” and the “Taken” and “Transporter” franchises. The director, known as McG (“Charlie’s Angels,” “Terminator: Salvation”), is not one for subtlety, whether he’s coming up with new ways to kill someone (this is one of the more violent PG-13 films you’ll ever see) or reaching for your heart, and he goes full-throttle here.
But without Costner’s movie star equity, this thing could have fallen apart in the first 30 minutes. He keeps us involved, even as we’re thinking: Wait, WHAT just happened?
On an analytical level, I knew this movie was nothing but snazzy trash, but I cannot deny I was thoroughly entertained.
Relativity Media presents a film directed by McG. Written by Luc Besson and Adi Hasak. Starring Kevin Costner, Amber Heard, Hailee Steinfeld and Connie Nielsen. Running time: 117 minutes. Rated PG-13 (for intense sequences of violence and action, some sensuality and language). HHH
Richard Roeper, Chicago Sun-Times
Pompeii (In standard format and digital 3-D with surcharge.)
Set in 79 A.D., “Pompeii” tells the story of Milo (Kit Harington), a slave turned invincible gladiator who finds himself in a race against time to save his true love Cassia (Emily Browning), the beautiful daughter of a wealthy merchant who has been unwillingly betrothed to a corrupt Roman Senator. As Mount Vesuvius erupts in a torrent of blazing lava, Milo must fight his way out of the arena in order to save his beloved as the once magnificent Pompeii crumbles around him. Also stars Kiefer Sutherland, Carrie-Ann Moss, Jared Hares and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje. Rated PG-13.
Still Showing
Animas City Theatre
(128 E. College Drive, 799-2281, www.animascitytheatre.com)
La Grande Bellezza (The Great Beauty). (Through Tuesday.) Journalist Jep Gambardella has charmed and seduced his way through the lavish nightlife of Rome for decades. Since the legendary success of his one and only novel, he has been a permanent fixture in the city’s literary and social circles, but when his 65th birthday coincides with a shock from the past, Jep finds himself unexpectedly taking stock of his life, turning his cutting wit on himself and his contemporaries, and looking past the extravagant nightclubs, parties, and cafés to find Rome in all its glory: a timeless landscape of absurd, exquisite beauty. (In Italian w/English subtitles.)
Durango Film: An Independent Film Festival (begins Wednesday). Visit www.durangofilm.org for the schedule.
Gaslight Cinema
(102 Fifth St. Next to the railroad depot, 247-8133, www.allentheatresinc.com)
Films listed at the Gaslight Cinema run through Tuesday. Durango Film: An Independent Film Festival begins Wednesday. Visit www.durangofilm.org for the schedule.
Winter’s Tale. Will Smith, Jennifer Connelly, Matt Bomer, Colin Farrell and Russell Crowe star in a story of miracles, crossed destinies and the age-old battle between good and evil set in a mythic New York City and spanning more than a century. Rated PG-13.
Dallas Buyer’s Club. In this fact-based drama, Matthew McConaughey portrays real-life Texas electrician Ron Woodroof, an ordinary man who found himself in a life-or-death battle with the medical establishment and pharmaceutical companies. Rated R.
Oscar nominated: Six categories including Best Picture, Best Actor (McConaughey) and Actor in a Supporting Role (Jared Leto).
August: Osage County. This is a dark and deeply touching story of the strong-willed women of the Weston family, whose lives have diverged until a family crisis brings them back to the Midwest house they grew up in, and to the dysfunctional woman (Meryl Streep) who raised them. Rated R.
Oscar nominated: Best Actress and Actress in a Supporting Role.
Durango Stadium 9
(Next to Durango Mall, 247-9799, www.allentheatresinc.com)
2014 OSCAR NOMINATED SHORT FILMS – LIVE ACTION (Wednesday only)
Helium (Anders Walter and Kim Magnusson, Denmark/Danish, 23 min.) – A dying boy finds comfort in the tales of a magical land called HELIUM, told to him by the hospital janitor.
The Voorman Problem (Mark Gill and Baldwin Li, UK/English, 13 min.) – A psychiatrist is called to a prison to examine an inmate named Voorman, who is convinced he is a god. Starring Martin Freeman.
Avant Que De Tout Perdre / Just Before Losing Everything (Xavier Legrand and Alexandre Gavras, France/French, 30 min.) – Miriam has left her abusive husband and taken refuge with her children in the local supermarket where she works.
Aquel No Era Yo / That Wasn’t Me (Esteban Crespo, Spain/Spanish, 24 min.) – Paula, a Spanish aid worker, has an encounter with an African child soldier named Kaney.
Do I Have to Take Care of Everything (Selma Vilhunen and Kirsikka Saari, Finland/Finnish, 7 min.) – Sini tries frantically to get her family ready to leave for a wedding, but her husband and two children are interfering with her efforts.
About Last Night. A remake of a movie based on a play does nothing to dispel the perceived lack of original thought in Hollywood. At least Kevin Hart is funnier than Jim Belushi, but not by much. Rated R.
Endless Love. Alex Pettyfer (“Magic Mike”) and Gabriella Wilde (“The Three Musketeers”) in the story of a privileged girl and a charismatic boy whose instant desire sparks a love affair made only more reckless by parents trying to keep them apart. Yes, this has been done before, too. Rated PG-13.
The Lego Movie. (In standard format and digital 3-D with surcharge.) An ordinary LEGO minifigure, mistakenly thought to be the extraordinary MasterBuilder, is recruited to join a quest to stop an evil LEGO tyrant from gluing the universe together. With the voices of Chris Pratt, Elizabeth Banks, Will Arnett and Morgan Freeman. Rated PG.
The Monuments Men. George Clooney and Matt Damon star in what passes for a true story in Hollywood about a special unit on the hunt for Nazi art plunder during World War II. Rated PG-13.
Frozen. Inspired by the 19th-century fairy tale, “The Snow Queen,” by Hans Christian Andersen, “Frozen” marks another Disney film modernizing one of the Danish author’s stories. Also showing, a new version will feature on-screen lyrics with a magical bouncing snowflake to follow along. Rated PG.
Oscar nominated: Best Animated Feature Film.
Ride Along. Ben wants to become a cop so he can impress James and win his blessing to marry Angela. James thinks Ben is a clown, so he comes up with a plan to scare Ben away from becoming a cop and from marrying Angela: He’ll take Ben on a “ride along.” PG-13.
Ted Holteen and Associated Press
