Q: My father is going on three years as a widower after my mom’s death. My biggest concern is that he doesn’t really have any friends. He is not shy or difficult to get along with – he just has never made friendships that weren’t initiated by my mother. Some of her friends still check in on him, but he doesn’t seem to initiate anything on his own. Any ideas?
A: Your concern shows caring, but let’s make sure there’s truly something to be concerned about. No one’s more passionate than I am about the benefits of friendship, but people differ in the amount they need. Is he motivated to engage in life in general? Is he getting back to the person he was? Does he find ways to fulfill himself even if they are not traditionally social? Does he have outlets for conversation and connection even if they’re not in person?
Meet him where he is, if he was never meant to be Mr. Social. You can nudge him by starting with his interests and any communities he may naturally be a part of, but subtle encouragement will be better received than playing platonic matchmaker.
Q: Eight years into marriage, with one young child, I find myself wondering “Is this how it’s going to be?” My husband and I have tried date nights, but I still feel blah about him. We are not physically intimate much anymore, and I feel like he doesn’t know about my day-to-day life because our time talking is spent running the house or worrying about our kid. Are my expectations for marriage too high?
A: No, your expectations aren’t too high. Emotional intimacy is the glue that keeps a couple feeling like a couple. Date nights won’t mean much if they feel like another obligation to be squeezed in. Recall what sparked something between you two in the first place, and build on that. If you can have a novel, exciting experience together, even better.
Logistically, are there remedies for your daily worries? Outsourcing some help at home, telecommuting more or relaxed standards on hospital corners?
Finally, you may be in a funk yourself. The more you can cultivate your own fulfillment – whether through therapy, socializing or rediscovering hobbies – the more energy and spark you’ll have to share.
Andrea Bonior, a Washington-area clinical psychologist, writes a weekly relationships advice column in The Washington Post’s Express daily tabloid and is author of The Friendship Fix. For more information, see www.drandreabonior.com. You can also follow her on Twitter: @drandreabonior.
