Q: Our daughter, a middling-to-good student, is pushing to take a year off from school and not go directly to college but has no plans of what she’d do during that time. My husband and I tell her she doesn’t have to go to a top school, but she does have to have a plan, and not starting college probably shouldn’t be it. How do we get through to her?
A: It could be that a year off is the right plan, and she finds something that inspires her on to further study or work. Or it could mean sinking further into passivity, avoidance and bong-ridden binge sessions of “Real Housewives.”
You agree she needs a plan, so start talking parameters. Where would she live? What salary would she hope to make? What areas is she interested in, and what jobs could she get now in those areas? What colleges would she apply to when the year is up? How would she further her growth outside of a job? Help her go from loosey-goosey to specifics, and establish expectations. Then, give her time to think.
Q: I have never been the one to end a relationship. I have always been on the receiving end of being dumped. I have had about six serious relationships; I am in my mid-30s, and it seems there should be a pretty even mix of me ending it and it being ended by the other person. Is this your take?
A: There are very few “shoulds” in relationships beyond trying to be your best self and being treated with respect. Every relationship is different, and just by chance, you may have had six end this way without it having to mean something.
More important are the nuances. Were you blindsided? Were these people good to you and did you feel good in these partnerships? What were their reasons for ending things, and did they make sense? (If so, then why hadn’t you ended it? And if not, were there deeper reasons you didn’t see?) Are you drawn to people who mesh well with you?
Don’t be misled by false dichotomies of who flipped the “off” switch. If you want to find a relationship that lasts, ask the harder questions about partnership.
Andrea Bonior, a Washington-area clinical psychologist, writes a weekly relationships advice column in The Washington Post’s Express daily tabloid and is author of The Friendship Fix. For more information, see www.drandreabonior.com. You can also follow her on Twitter: @drandreabonior.
