Q: My boyfriend got into a lot of trouble in his 20s and burned bridges in our community. I knew of him then, but we only got together now in our early 40s. He is a good man, but people in our hometown, including my parents, think of him as a “bad seed.” I know I need to give them time for him to prove himself, but how do I handle this in the meantime?
A: What’s left in the meantime is to live your life on your terms, and be in this relationship the way you want to be, and build his connections with your family, in whatever ways they are to happen, one day at a time.
The ability to change minds will depend on many things, some of them out of your control (“Haters gonna hate,” if you will). It’s also unclear where on the spectrum of “troublemaker” he was – if he significantly hurt people physically or psychologically, don’t expect forgiveness to be automatic. But if it’s merely that a delinquent-ish man finally grew up and is a partner who makes you happy and treats you well, trust that reasonable family members will come around to toasting that happiness in time.
Q: My 5-year-old daughter is good friends with a 6-year-old boy down the street. My husband is constantly making jokes to our daughter about the boy being her “boyfriend,” and talking about how they’ll no doubt date someday. I know he’s joking, but I don’t think our girl needs to hear this stuff so early. He tells me I should lighten up. Am I making too big a deal? Don’t Like It
A: No. You have every right to question the appropriateness of this “joke.” Your husband’s desire to keep it going teaches your daughter that friendship with the opposite sex is something to ridicule, and it runs the risk of making your little girl think that dating and romance are more noteworthy and valuable than friendship.
Most ominous of all, it insinuates that she’s not the one who decides who her boyfriends should be (or whether she’ll have one – or a girlfriend! – at all.) I know, I know, she’s only 5. But she’s absorbing attitudes like a sponge. She’ll be bombarded enough with messages throughout life saying that the most interesting thing about her is who she’s going out with – why have it come from her own dad?
Andrea Bonior, a Washington-area clinical psychologist, writes a weekly relationships advice column in The Washington Post’s Express daily tabloid and is author of The Friendship Fix. For more information, see www.drandreabonior.com. You can also follow her on Twitter: @drandreabonior.
