Q. My boyfriend of two years (we’re both 27) and I have had a solid relationship. He recently revealed to me that he hooked up with guys in his late teens. He said he was unsure of himself at the time, and that it was sexual experimentation that never developed into feelings or a relationship. I feel like I should be OK with this but it has made me very upset. He says he doesn’t consider himself bi. I can’t seem to move past this.
A. It’s a shock to realize there’s something significant about your partner’s life experiences you didn’t know, especially something involving sexual experiences. This is still new, and will likely improve over time – but only if you can keep communication open, and be honest with yourself about how this may change the ways you think and feel about him, big and small, temporary and permanent.
If his past experiences translate into what feels like a threat for you, then that discomfort won’t automatically go away without some real work to understand it. And forcing yourself to overcome it prematurely just won’t make it happen.
Q. I am jealous of the relationship that my younger sister has with my teenage stepdaughter. Because they are only six years apart, my sister is less like an aunt to this girl and more like a friend or big sister. They both seem to prefer each other over me. When I met my husband, I tried hard to bond with this daughter and I feel like a lot of that work is wasted.
A. It can hurt to feel like the third wheel with two people who, in theory, should be closer to you than to each other. But your relationship with each of them is and will always be unique. Their closeness in age may give them a common language of pop culture, interests and emoji that is separate from you, but it need not detract from your meaning to them: Family member closeness is not a zero-sum game.
Cultivate your relationships with them individually, and don’t try to compete as a friend or sister when you are (presumably) her only stepmother. If your sister is making you overly uncomfortable, you can let her know. But it’s your ability to remove yourself from competition and stay on your own path with each of them that can protect you from feeling so hurt.
