Q: My wife antagonizes people on Facebook. She deliberately posts provocative status updates, often political, and comes across as very judgmental and black-or-white in her interactions. She is not like this in person, and I can’t stand seeing her stir the pot so much. What makes her this way online? Would it be totally wrong for me to unfriend my own wife?
A: You’d be surprised how common it is for social media to drive a wedge between partners, though this is certainly a twist I don’t hear about as often. I am curious what she makes of this difference in personality: Have you really asked her about it openly and respectfully, without just emphasizing how irritating her online persona is?
As for whether defriending would be wrong, every couple must make their own rules about what works and what doesn’t – and this was true even back when a “facebook” was a catalog of smiling college freshmen. Learning the nuances of your own reactions will help. Are you embarrassed? Annoyed she’s making you look bad? Scared she’ll ruffle the wrong feathers? Secretly in disagreement with her sentiments? After discussing your feelings, you can plan your avoidance accordingly. I vote for making her updates show less frequently in your feed, even if unfriending someone you’re married to will no doubt gain you some humor mileage.
Q: I have been engaged twice, and both times it was not a good match. I am in my mid-30s still looking for a lifetime partner, though. People assume I am burned out on love and not looking to get married. How can I tell people that this is not at all the case, and get them not to judge me by that track record?
A: By people, I don’t know if you mean potential romantic partners, family members or the checkout clerk at Wawa. But the more you know people, the more you can have an honest discussion with them and explain your feelings. And the less you know people, the more a quick “I’m still looking, and I believe in love as much as ever” or “I’m hopeful the third time will be the charm!” will do just fine.
It could be that people are erring on the side of not wanting to annoy you. After all, having someone be your matchmaker without your permission, just because you are single, is an offense rivaled only by that time I went to kickboxing without deodorant. So assume they have your best interests at heart. Honesty, good humor and optimism will serve you best – just like out there in the dating world. But I’d lose my advice-columnist membership card if I didn’t also urge you to do some self-exploration to make sure the bad-match-glitch doesn’t repeat itself.
