I noticed today the street sign on East Second Avenue and Seventh Street now tells me Earth has flipped itself, and the street is now “West Second Avenue.” What happened to cause such a reversal, and what do we need to do to switch it back? Is this a sign of the times? Sign me, Directionally Challenged
There’s probably a reasonable explanation for The Great Durango Shift.
But this is Action Line, where “reasonable explanation” is a just an oxymoron – much like “jumbo shrimp,” “affordable housing” or “Durango formal.”
Let’s just say Action Line puts the moron in oxymoron.
Anyway, the city wasn’t aware of The Great Durango Shift until Friday afternoon when Action Line called our good friend Ron LeBlanc, city manager.
If anyone should be informed about shifting polarity of Earth, it should be the city manager.
A planetary magnetic shift should be at the top of the next City Council agenda. Durango must be prepared because top scientists say a shift is certainly coming.
That and the fact local government seems to enjoy dabbling in global issues.
At stake is our very existence, according to various nut-jobs, conspiracy theorists and paranoid doomsayers.
They warn the re-orientation of polarity will cause huge gaps in the Earth’s magnetic field, resulting in the surface of the planet being fried by intense solar radiation.
Because north would suddenly become south, satellites and airplanes will drop out of the sky because their GPS systems would be worthless.
This was supposed to happen Dec. 21, 2012. But it didn’t.
You can see how Y2K all of this is. And how it appeals to those who know for a fact the United Nations has big plans for rural La Plata County.
The planet’s polarity will swap at some point. That much we know.
From the geologic and fossil record, pole reversals have happened every 200,000 to 300,000 years over the past 20 million years, and it’s been 780,000 years since the last event. So we’re due.
That’s according to Patrick Lynch of NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center. If you really want the skinny on polarity reversals, check out his story, “Magnetic Pole Reversal Happens All The (Geologic) Time,” at NASA.com
But is this the apocalypse? Poppycock.
“There is nothing in the millions of years of geologic record to suggest that any of the 2012 doomsday scenarios connected to a pole reversal should be taken seriously,” Lynch writes.
“A reversal might, however, be good business for magnetic compass manufacturers,” he adds.
Meanwhile, back at the corner of Seventh Street and East/West Second Avenue, appropriate geographical coordinates will be reinstalled, and all will be well as the world turns.
Moreover, the city has already developed a solution for misplaced signage.
“We’re getting drones for the Street Department,” Ron said wryly. “That will allow us to check out these things on a regular basis.”
H H H
Avid reader Brian McAleer has some additions to last week’s Durango Parking Rules.
“Permit me to clarify your Rule 3 regarding Skyridge: While the parking situation up here is far from ideal, there are spaces just off of Jenkins Ranch Road,” he writes.
There are more than 200 spaces on side streets, Brian points out. “Of course, Skyridge parkers would have to use their high-tech running shoes or hiking boots a bit.”
Brian makes a snarky observation: “Which leads me to your corollary to Rule 6: Not only do most residents refuse to walk more than 50 feet, but many of them would find it preferable to park their car right in front of the TV whereupon they could roll out onto their couch, grab the remote and enjoy themselves.
“Reminds me of the lyrics: ‘They say your contribution to man, to say the least, has got a little out of hand. Lord, Mr. Ford, what have you done?’ ” Brian concludes.
Email questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or mail them to Action Line, The Durango Herald, 1275 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301. You can request anonymity if you think the electromagnetic polar shift will cause the restaurant East by Southwest to change its name to West by Northeast.