Reality check. Your teens are probably having sex. You (and your teen) probably loathe the idea of having “the talk,” but it’s super important.
Here are some things you need to know about teens and sex and some tips for talking openly about the topic, but first, some statistics:
Among U.S. high school students, 46 percent of 12th-graders reported they were sexually active, and the average age of first intercourse is 15. Among teens, 43 percent did not use a condom the last time they had sex, and 21 percent used alcohol or drugs before last sexual intercourse. More than 1 million American teenagers become pregnant each year – one of the highest rates of any Western industrialized country.Sexually transmitted diseases are very common in young people; half of the 20 million new STDs reported each year were among those aged 15 to 24. Locally, La Plata and Montezuma counties rank in the top 20 of 64 Colorado counties for gonorrhea and chlymidia (Herald, March 28).Sexual violence among teens is also alarming. Twenty-three percent of all sexual offenders are under the age of 18. Teens victimized by sexual violence report that coercive tactics such as pressuring, arguing, guilt (32 percent) and anger (63 percent) were the most common types of coercion. Only about 31 percent of teen sexual abuse incidents are reported. Social stigma, fear of retribution and the trauma of not being believed stymie reports of teen sexual abuse.Some parents believe talking about sex will lead to teens having sex, but research shows conversations about sex lead to the postponement of sexual contact and use of appropriate birth control. Teens report that their parents have the greatest influence over their decisions about sex – more than friends, siblings or the media. What you communicate does make a difference!
So listen up, parents, it’s time to talk real about this stuff with your kids. Let’s look over some tips for talking about sex with your kids.
Create a comfortable environment. First off, you need to approach your kids in a very subtle way, preferably in an atmosphere where they feel comfortable. Some kids will shut down in an uncomfortable situation because they want the discussion to end. Don’t overhype the conversation or try to cover every topic all at once. Instead, break it down into small chunks and seize everyday moments, such as when a TV program or music video raises issues about sexual behavior, and use it as a springboard for discussion.Be a good listener and encourage conversation. Most teens hate being lectured, especially about sex. Anticipate the roadblocks; if they tend to say “uh-huh,” refocus with open-ended questions or suggesting a variety of possible ways someone might feel in a relevant situation. Listen carefully and try to understand your teen’s pressures, challenges and concerns. Allow them to state their feelings first and then state yours, presenting the risks objectively. Try restating in your own words what you hear and identify feelings your child has shared. While the parent needs to help the teen see that this is a serious situation that can dramatically affect the path of their lives, avoid interrupting, overreacting or scare tactics once your child opens up.
Don’t be afraid to get down to specifics. Talk about the issues. What does consent really look like? What should a teen do if they were sexually assaulted? How does intoxication affect sexual decision-making? What should you do if you think you have a STD? What if your partner doesn’t want to use a condom? What would the teen want if they got pregnant? What are good strategies to manage sexual pressure from a partner? How can a teen get contraception? Buy a box of condoms and talk about how to use them. Practice on a cucumber; a good laugh won’t hurt and could help your relationship.
Encourage other trusted sources. Some kids listen better to trusted adults rather than their own parents because kids are rebellious. Getting the message about safe sexual situations may have a greater influence coming from another trusted adult, such as an aunt or uncle, trusted friend, teacher or a health care professional. Giving your teen good resources can make all the difference. Discuss avoiding dangerous situations. Make sure your kid knows how to avoid them (drugs and alcohol fuel lots of sexual risk). Teach them how to deal with a risky situation if it comes up. Screaming out, fighting back, running away are things every kid should be taught. Talk early and often with your kids about sex. It’s much too important to ignore.
Christian Champagne, District Attorney co-wrote this column with a local high school student. Reach him at christian.champagne@co.laplata.co.us and 382-4651.
