“Peopling” can be hard. I firmly believe one of the most rewarding yet challenging pieces to this adventure called life is learning how to be in healthy relationship with others.
Oftentimes, some of our biggest lessons come from navigating these relationships. If we open our eyes and are willing to see the mirrors that are put in front of us and develop the ability to recognize what is ours, and what is not; what feels good and works for us versus what feels icky and does not work for us, and honor that, they are huge opportunities for growth and transformation.
Learning how to respond versus react when there is a confrontation with another person is something that can be a huge challenge. Figuring out whether you are feeling a certain way based on someone else’s reaction or response is an incredibly introspective process.
We all carry trauma. We all carry stories or have negative thoughts that we have taken on throughout our lifetime. Often, the lens we use to see and interpret the rest of the world is rooted in these moldings, these experiences that have shaped who we are today.
When we develop relationships with other humans, they also carry their own set of traumas and stories and experiences. Their lens and how they interpret the world is most likely different than ours. I view this navigation almost like a dance, a dance of personal awareness and growth.
When confrontation comes to the forefront, it can completely annihilate everything if we are not aware of our triggers, and again, what is ours and what is not. I truly feel the work is the willingness to see what our responsibility is, sit with what the outcome of our response could lead to, and find a way to communicate in a way that is true for us.
A reaction often can be abrupt it can feel barbed. It is coming from an emotional place, and it can stem from defensiveness, anger, guilt, shame or blame. More often than not, we want to deflect, or project, and place the blame on the other person.
A response is when we take a moment to really sit with our emotions and determine why we are feeling the way we do. This can be a process and when we are able to separate what is ours, and what is not; figure out why we feel whatever emotion it is that we feel around the situation; be willing to see where our responsibility lies, and then express ourselves, we allow ourselves to respond in a more deliberate and authentic way.
What are some ways to help us respond in a way that feels better to us?
- Practice. This is not easy and automatic.
- Do not react in a defensive and abrupt way.
- Be mindful – take a deep breath, step back and ask whoever it is you are communicating with for some time to process what it is you need to say.
- Take a moment to think about why you are feeling triggered and figure out if it is legitimate. Look at the big picture. Is it all yours or has the other person contributed or acted in a way where communication needs to happen? What are the potential consequences of your response?
When we are able to do this, we are stepping into self-awareness. I don’t think anyone truly wants to come from a place of negative intentions because when we put out negative energy, that is what we are calling back in.
One of the goals in our personal relationships should be to create a container for one another that is safe and supportive. If we can take a moment to really figure out where we are coming from and how we can say it in a way that doesn’t compromise ourselves but yet expresses to the other person our feelings, boundaries and what works for us, we have the ability to establish a trusting and lasting bond.
Jennifer Roe is a master level Red Hat Qigong practitioner, an integrative nutritional health and wellness coach, a facilitator of women’s circles, programs and more. For more information, visit www.thehealingroe.com.