Dear Rachel, my boss loves to talk. About herself, her family, work, whatever feels important to her. It rarely feels like a two-way conversation. I’m happy to listen to work talk if it is relevant and useful, but it typically becomes a redundant rant within a few minutes. I use nonverbal cues like fidgeting in my chair, not making eye contact, and turning to my computer screen with minimal success – she usually continues talking for several more minutes. How can I delicately and directly address this with her? It’s exhausting to feel obligated to listen and to find ways to make the talking stop.
Frustrated at work
Dear Frustrated,
Marshall Rosenberg, who developed Nonviolent Communication, said, “The best time to interrupt is when we’ve heard one more word than we want to hear. The longer we wait, the harder it is to be civil when we do step in.”
We’ve all been there, Frustrated. You can almost hear your own life energy oozing away – drip, drip, drip – while someone’s words pile up like so much clutter. When you’ve reached your one word tipping point, I suggest saying to your boss, “Thanks for sharing about your family. I’m glad you all loved the beach.” Or, “I’m sorry you all got bit by jellyfish (or some reference that shows care for her expression). I wish I had more time for socializing, but I have so much on my plate today, I’m going to have to get back to focusing on work now.”
This is honest and kind. It’s not actually honest or kind to let someone go on and on while we slowly expire from boredom, hoping they pick up on our nonverbal cues.
Dear Rachel, How do I gracefully tell my friend she is too pushy? I am on edge around her, as she repeatedly makes strong suggestions of what I should do. Sometimes I just want to be heard and not advised.
Being Heard is a Universal Human Need
Dear Being Heard is a Universal Human Need,
Recently, I was walking the Animas River Trail with a friend who has one of the hardest jobs in America: middle school teacher in 2026. She was sharing her frustration reminding her students to stop talking, doodling, playing and walking out of the classroom during her slide presentations. I jumped right in with some excellent unsolicited advice. My friend put her arm around me and said, “could you give me empathy before you offer a solution?” Palm to the forehead! I was so grateful for her warm, lighthearted and courageous reminder.
Tell your friend that you know she cares about you and that you imagine her suggestions reflect her desire for you to feel better (by following her clear runway illuminating the path toward relief). However, what would really be relieving is for her to simply listen and be present to what is true for you. In a solution-oriented culture, this is counterintuitive, so let her know what this looks like for you. “I love questions about my experience, it helps me dig deeper and get more clarity” or “I love it when people reflect back what they’re hearing me say, it helps me feel understood and cared about.”
We all want to contribute to the people we love. And it’s easy to forget that our open, loving presence, sprinkled with a little empathic reflection, can be the best medicine for our dear ones’ struggles. I.e. “Is it so exhausting to repeatedly remind your students to pay attention, when what you really want is to inspire and engage them with your thoughtfully-planned lessons?” As Mennonite author David W. Augsburger says, “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”
And for those of us with excellent advice, please ask first if it’s wanted.
On willingness:
Does this advice seem contradictory? Interrupt on one hand, and listen deeply on the other? The difference is in sensing our own willingness. Someone is talking. Are we here for it? Or, are we growing resentful by the second? Can we give the gift of our presence, or are there other things we want to attend to? Only you can answer.
Rachel Turiel is a Nonviolent Communication Mediator and Coach who supports people to hear each other and work things out. Submit a question: rachelbturiel@gmail.com
