I have a longtime friend who seems to want more time with me than I want to spend. I have explained that I am a home body, an introvert if you will. We have discussed this many times over, and it still doesn't stop her from trying to plan our next thing in the midst of the one we are doing at the time. This makes me feel suffocated and like it’s never enough. I end up avoiding and delaying correspondences with her because I am tired of this pattern. But I do enjoy her company and do not want to end the friendship completely. What can I do?
Dear Introvert,
You enjoy this friend and want to maintain the relationship. Though like many delights – I am thinking here of dark chocolate-espresso cheesecake, family reunions and some psychedelic trips – allowing space to settle around each event helps us process, digest and appreciate.
And it sounds like your friend is planning for the next slice of cheesecake while the current spoonful still melts on her tongue. Getting a date on the calendar may give her reassurance that your friendship matters to her and that your connection won’t be dropped. However, the cost to you is that you don’t have a chance to digest and get hungry again, and thus feel, as you say, suffocated.
You have discussed this many times over, but have you made a new agreement around how to proceed that works for both of you? An agreement that supports you following your natural timing to connect and her feeling reassurance about your connection?
What might this actually look like? Could you reach out more via text between in-person hangouts to nurture the friendship? Could she agree to let you initiate time together, knowing that your invitation will come fully from wanting to see her, not obligation, which supports true connection? Would she feel appreciated and considered if you planned, say, a hike and picnic? Would you feel more at ease if you could hear her articulate understanding and acceptance for your social bandwidth?
This may require a bit of stretching on both your parts, which can be a healthy move in the interdependent dance we call relationship. When you find something that feels right for you both, try it for six or so months, and then assess together how it’s working. Maybe it needs a slight tweak, total revamping or – fingers crossed – you’ve found the sweet spot for you both. Bringing openness, flexibility, care for one another and a desire to find mutually satisfying strategies will help you both relax in the moment and trust there is a path forward.
More on ‘stretching’
If we follow only our own preferences, we might live a conflict-free though lonely life. Learning to choreograph our movements, strategies and desires with others’ often calls for a stretch to accommodate more needs than our own. (Sound familiar, parents?) And, because contributing to the well-being of others is a core human need, when we can truly connect with the “why” behind this stretch – or what needs we’re meeting for another – it actually builds willingness to shift, readjust or reconsider our preferences. For example, when my 18-year-old daughter, home from college, says, “Mom, can you make me a snack? I know I can make my own snack, but I just really want to feel nurtured right now,” it shifts what could feel like an eye roll of obligation into a stacked platter of giving that hits the high notes of my heart.
Rachel Turiel is a Nonviolent Communication Mediator and Coach who supports people to hear each other and work things out. Submit a question at rachelbturiel@gmail.com.
