DEAR ABBY: Ten years ago, I connected with “Christi,” a daughter I fathered with a woman I was in a relationship with for a short time decades ago. We split before Christi was born. My ex-girlfriend didn’t tell me about her until after she was born. By that time, she was married to a man Christi knew as her dad. However, she no longer acknowledges him as her father.
Christi and I developed our relationship, and it would be impossible for me to love her more than I do. When I retired five years ago, she asked me to move closer to her and my 11-year-old granddaughter. She said she would appreciate help with things like driving her to school and activities. Since relocating, though, I have been given very little access to either of them. Christi’s family has poisoned my granddaughter against me. Whenever I see them, it’s always in a group of 10 or more, so we haven’t developed any of the closeness I was hoping for.
This situation is making me miserable to the point of affecting my mental health. I get the feeling that if I address this with Christi, I’ll be cast out of her life completely. I don’t think I could handle that. Must I accept the limited role I have been given in their lives or risk our relationship by telling her how I feel? – Let Down in Florida
DEAR LET DOWN: The time has come to revisit those conversations you had with Christi in which she asked you to move closer. Tell her you agreed because you thought it would be an opportunity to spend time with her and get to know your granddaughter. However, the result has been that you feel more like a free chauffeur service than a grandparent. Ask why this has happened.
If the situation is fixable, talk with a licensed psychotherapist about how to accomplish it. However, if there are no changes, return to the community from which you came before you suffer further emotional damage.
DEAR ABBY: Where and how do you draw the line between being kind and being a people pleaser? Furthermore, how do you know when you’re doing something that you don’t particularly want to do, but don’t mind doing, either out of kindness or an inability to say no?
Sometimes, I regret committing to something only when I’m actually in the middle of it or just beforehand. Other times, I realize I’ve taken on too many responsibilities, which makes me feel frustrated and stressed, even though I still enjoy being helpful whenever possible. How do I recognize and avoid these unpleasant feelings and experiences? – Carrying the Weight
DEAR CARRYING: You are a good person. Now start being as nice to yourself as you try to be to others. Because keeping the promises you make to these people is causing you to feel stressed or resentful, you must find the courage to say no. Start practicing now, before the milk of human kindness begins to curdle in your breast.
TO MY READERS: The eight days of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah begin at sundown. Happy Hanukkah, everyone, and a joyous Festival of Lights to all of us. – Love, Abby
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
