Restaurants such as the Mahogany Grille and the Sky Ute Casino encourage locals to treat their mothers to brunch on Mother’s Day. Ads tell children of all ages to send mom flowers, chocolate or, as the Wine Merchant says on its sign, “Mom Loves Wine.” Hallmark tugs at the heartstrings with its cards, while phone companies remind distant children that Sunday is the day to call mother.
But for some, the day is more sad than glad.
“Mother’s Day was not a Hallmark Day to start off with,” said the Rev. Jeff Huber, senior pastor of First United Methodist Church of Durango. “One reason we do Mother’s Day a little differently is to recognize the grief and trauma that happens on the first Mother’s Day without your mom. Mother’s Day can be a bit of a minefield because everyone comes with different stuff regarding moms.”
That grief has been strong for Sheri Rochford Figgs, whose mother, Virginia Mertz, died in August.
“You can rationalize and intellectualize and talk about it all the time,” she said. “But it’s very saddening and sobering to realize your mom is gone. There’s no one to celebrate with, and it kind of brings it all back.”
Things her mother used to say play in her brain and probably always will, Figgs said.
“Some of them were not so great, like ‘Never wear white shoes after Labor Day,’ and ‘If you had pierced ears, you were a hussy,’” she said with a laugh. “But others, like ‘Be kind,’ and ‘Don’t judge people,’ I’m thinking about those this week.”
For Ann McCoy Harold, whose mother, Lavenia McCoy, also died in August, the ubiquitous advertising has not been a problem.
“That kind of commercialization doesn’t really affect me,” she said. “It did cross my mind that I wasn’t buying flowers this year, but my grieving for Mom is much more close up. We didn’t have any regular traditions on Mother’s Day.”
Traditions are what can make any holiday difficult, said Kati Bachman, a grief counselor and bereavement coordinator for Hospice of Mercy, and there’s no question Mother’s Day is difficult.
“It’s a hot day for sure, not just for people who’ve lost their mother but for spouses, too,” she said. “Any day that is a ritual, not just holidays, but special days like birthdays and anniversaries, can hit us hard.”
Bachman, who handles aftercare for Hospice of Mercy, has tips for people approaching a charged day like Mother’s Day.
“There’s no right or wrong way,” she said, “but even though the physical is gone, we’re still continuing our relationship with that person, just in more of a spiritual and emotional way.”
Keeping the connection is important, she said, as is self-care. Establishing a variation of previous ritual can help.
“Buy yourself flowers, rent a movie she loved and watch it,” Bachman said. “Go order the meal she loved and eat it yourself, or prepare it and have the whole family eat it. Do whatever you want with that day. In our society, we have blown our rituals off, but organically, we need to grieve. Rituals help provide meaning and are an antidote to grief.”
Huber approaches his counseling of people who are grieving their mother’s death from a faith-based angle.
“One thing I talk about as a pastor is that we recognize God as the ultimate parent, and we see it in many places in Scripture, such as Isaiah, where God is referred to as a mother hen protecting her chicks,” Huber said. “Our mothers are gifts from God, and those are things we carry with us always. It’s good that we feel sad, because that person meant a great deal to us and was a blessing.”
While loss of a mom is the most obvious reason to struggle on Mother’s Day, there are many others, Huber said.
“There are people whose mother was abusive,” he said. “Moms who lost children in the last year, which is very painful, or women who are struggling to have children for whatever reason. We always include a prayer that recognizes all different kinds of mothers and moms.”
abutler@durangoherald.com
