Dear Action Line: When heading up the Test Tracks trail north of the old dump there is this mysterious locked and capped pipe. Is this a portal to a parallel universe? Perhaps the impetus to that television series “Lost”? Or is this where they safekeep next year’s Snowdown Follies tickets? Just hiking and wondering ... – Scott and Ayla Moore
Dear Scott and Ayla: First off, Action Line needs to do some translating for those who haven’t lived here, well, forever. “Test Tracks” is basically what the area in the vicinity of what became Falcon Heights used to be called. You’d test your bikes and handling skills on the steep, rogue trails. The “old dump” is the former Van-Dal Landfill that was closed around 1990. It’s just above Falcon Heights, west of downtown Durango.
“Lost” is a series that Action Line never got around to watching. “Snowdown Follies” is a raucous, barely legal form of Durango debauchery that Action Line sneaks into (legally, usually) about every five years – and that’s plenty.
Have we covered everything? Oh, “hiking” is what every normal Durangoan does with a dog, but there is no dog in this photo, which is really, really strange.
There’s a lot of things this pipe might be. Remember those old-time pneumatic tubes that businesses once used? (Oh right, banks still do. Those funny banks.) The Moores have some sort of Canadian connection, and emphasized, “If it’s a portal to Canada, do let us know.” Well, could be. But Action Line’s best guess is that it’s a sewer cleanout for someone’s underground bunker. Right? Don’t even underground bunkers need sewer cleanouts?
If this had anything to do with Follies tickets, Action Line was thinking maybe that knowledge was too valuable for a newspaper story. What are those tickets going for these days? Hundreds? Thousands?
One person suggested it was a monitoring well of some sort, maybe gas? Action Line figured out this was probably La Plata County land, and because the people with the underground bunker weren’t in the phone book, Action Line went ahead and contacted the county folks. A county employee confessed, and was even cheerful about it.
“Good morning,” replied Leslie Jakoby, environmental specialist with La Plata County. “Yes, it is a county-owned groundwater monitoring well for the old dump.”
Action Line probed further, asking something to the effect of, “Huh?”
Turns out the landfill is “a closed pre-Subtitle D municipal solid waste landfill.” (Subtitle D refers to nonhazardous solid waste.) It was used from the 1970s through Oct. 8, 1990.
“A groundwater monitoring well was installed in 1988 and has been monitored semiannually,” Jakoby replied. “This well does not have any concerns and is considered a background well.”
There. Nothing to see here. No hazard. No Follies tickets. Git along, people and little doggies, git along.
A couple of weeks ago a new (and seemingly unbeatable) record for shortest Action Line question was established. It is: “i?” The former record holder, Charles Newmyer, spirits crushed but with head held high, had something to say.
“What a reign it has been,” he replied. “As the previous champion of Action Line’s Shortest Question, I thank you and the loyal followers of ‘Why?’ for the gracious time spent as your Supreme Leader.
“The opportunities afforded to me as The Action Line Shortest Question Sultan have been many. Who could forget the time I was granted a free gallon of almond milk from Ye City’s Market. (Pay no mind to the coupon used. It had to have been a special, one-off coupon printed just for me.) Or what about the time all horseless carriages halted and made way for me as I maneuvered Dysfunction Junction? Oh, how sweet it has been.
“To the new Baron of Brevity, the title is well deserved and earned. Such clever use of typography and an ink-saving mindfulness should be greeted with praise and a peaceful transition of power. The Action Line Shortest Question fiefdom is in good hands.”
Well, we’ve established shortest, and Action Line will just chop anyone who tries to go for longest. How about we now go for wittiest?
Email questions and suggestions to actionline@durangoherald.com or mail them to Action Line, The Durango Herald, 1275 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301. “Git Along Little Dogies” was a tune sung by Roy Rogers in the 1940 movie “West of the Badlands” and it just happened to pop into Action Line’s head. So there you go: It’s your misfortune and none of my own.
