Dear Rachel, Several of my neighbors (in the Animas Valley) have “Turn off Social Media. Talk to Your Neighbor” yard signs. I agree with those signs wholeheartedly. I've been tempted to walk up their driveways and have a conversation. However, one of these neighbors also has NO TRESPASSING signs and a “Don't Tread On Me” flag, so it doesn't seem particularly welcoming or safe to start a conversation. How would you suggest engaging in a “Talk with your neighbor” conversation, when it doesn't feel safe or welcoming?
Dear Tempted Neighbor,
How do you square these three signs erected on the same address? They seem to cancel each other out, like me riding my 3-speed bike to high school while puffing on a Camel Light, smoke trailing in my wake. You’d like to follow up on your neighbor’s invite for a convo, but wait, is that trespassing?
Let’s slow things down and take a more nuanced look. We can’t always know what particular meaning lies behind people’s various slogans and symbols without, ironically, talking to them. “No trespassing” could be a message for solicitors and proselytizers but exempts neighbors seeking a cup of sugar or an ounce of conversation. The Don’t Tread on Me Flag, also known as the Gadsden Flag, symbolized American resistance to British rule approximately 250 years ago. What might it mean to your neighbor today? The 12 states currently offering the Gadsden flag as a specialty license plate are “red states,” however, the image has also graced rainbow flags and a pro-choice flag: snake depicted as defiant uterus.
Recently, driving to the Durango Public Library (my second favorite indoor space in Durango after my own house) to pick up Lily King’s novel “Heart the Lover” (highly recommend), I braked behind a white truck at the 20th Street and East Third Avenue stop sign. A blue heeler craned its checkerboard head out the backseat window. The driver paused for almost a minute, made a right turn, then pulled to the curb. As I passed, he extended his middle finger in a universal slogan of the hand.
Like you with your neighbors, I had an inkling this slogan wasn’t particularly welcoming, nor inviting as a conversation starter. But, also like you, I was curious and tempted to engage. I shifted into reverse (as fast as a 2000 manual transmission can muster), backed up and rolled down my window. “Did you just give me the finger?” I inquired. “Yeah,” he said, his heeler still catching smells on the breeze. “You were riding my ass. And you drive a Subaru,” he said by way of explanation. I smiled, a universal disarming slogan, and told him that I was confused because I was actually just chilling at the stop sign with no impatience. He apologized, and in an unexpected and unfortunate turn of events, asked me out for a drink. At 11 a.m.
And – you can’t make this stuff up – when I pulled into the library parking lot, I spied a car sporting both a Gadsden and a partially-removed Biden/Harris sticker.
I tell you this story, Tempted Neighbor, to suggest that, although I understand your reticence, sometimes our interpretation of various signs and slogans can obstruct us from meeting each other as humans, as neighbors. Apparently even our car models can slot us into a column titled “other.” Follow what’s beautiful here: your curiosity and desire for a convo. Mail your neighbor a card inviting them to the conversation you both desire. And, when you’re sipping coffee on one of your front porches, say, with a disarming smile, “Tell me about your Gadsden flag.”
Rachel Turiel is a Nonviolent Communication Mediator and Coach who supports people to hear each other and work things out. Submit a question: rachelbturiel@gmail.com.
