Dear Rachel, I have a history of lots of negative self-talk about my weight (being too heavy). How do I quiet that critical voice in my head?
Dear Longing for Freedom from Harsh Inner Voices,
Oh honey, do you mean you’ve grown up in a society that gives girls the message that their value is tied to their appearance? And that in a world of wildly variable body shapes and sizes, there is a very narrow – metaphorically and physically – acceptable body shape?
According to the National Institutes of Health, (not exactly a bastion of radical feminism), in an article citing multiple researchers, “societal ideals of body size can negatively affect women’s body image … leading to psychological issues such as loss of self-esteem, depression, eating disorders and overall life dissatisfaction.”
That critical voice that you want to quiet did not actually come from you. None of us are born with a cranium full of negative self-talk. In fact, you may remember when you loved being in your body, when you felt powerful and free, skipping, running, twirling, belly-laughing, climbing a tree, riding a bike and bending your little sapling legs down to marvel at a ladybug scootching across a leaf.
I wonder what this critical voice would say if it believed it could convey a message without using shame as a delivery mechanism? What is it truly longing for? Could you find an answer that is true, gentle and doable?
Bestselling author Anne Lamott tells the story in her book “Bird By Bird” of shopping for a dress to wear on a date to a nightclub. She is with her best friend Pammy, who is in the end stages of metastatic breast cancer. Anne models a lavender minidress, asking, “Do you think it makes my hips look too big?” And Pammy, now in a wheelchair, says slowly, “Annie? I really don’t think you have that kind of time.”
Dearest Longing for Freedom, none of us has that kind of time.
I suggest that to quiet that critical voice in your head, start by hanging a quote from Mary Oliver on your wall – “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” And, ask yourself if there are dreams you may be deferring to some future day when you are more perfect.
Talk directly to this critical voice as you would your precious daughter. You can say to yourself, “Honey, I’m so sorry that women’s appearances got tied to corporations making money, and that we all got the silly idea that our happiness and worth is tethered to the size of our bodies. What a mess that’s created! And yet, here you are, alive in this wondrous human body. Now, let’s take ourselves outside to wade in the skin-tingling Animas River, walk in the sunshine and marvel at a ladybug scootching across a leaf.”
The definition of Insidious:
Recently, Mattel, the company that makes American Girl Dolls, announced a new line of redesigned dolls from its historical collection. The redesign? The dolls are now noticeably skinnier. The reason? They are “easier to handle.” All of which is to say, the societal messages around appearance are insidious, the definition of which is “something harmful, dangerous, or treacherous that develops gradually and secretly, often appearing harmless until it is too late.”
Rachel Turiel is a nonviolent communication mediator and coach who supports people to hear each other and work things out. Submit a question at rachelbturiel@gmail.com
