Welcome to Dear Rachel, a new column in which I answer your questions about relationships, communication and how to navigate the messy beauty of being human (sorry, no advice on car troubles or finances). I will be drawing from my work as a mediator and communication coach. You may remember my Herald column about parenting (2009-2018). Well, my children got tired of my advice, so now I’m bringing it to you!
What is the best way to approach a neighbor about their constant glaring outdoor lighting that infringes upon our dark sky and shines into my windows?
Dear Sleepless in Durango,
Having neighbors is a unique and particular relationship. Living so closely among people you didn’t actually choose can be a wonderful, aggravating, hilarious and confusing experience. We’ve attended a neighbor’s “Canadian Thanksgiving,” complete with maple-doused everything and Joni Mitchell-heavy playlist (wonderful); we’ve been exposed to scent-infusion from neighbors’ plug-in air fresheners and dryer sheets, so potent it’s like living inside a panty liner (aggravating); we’ve overheard neighbors admonish their dog for destroying an outdoor couch, followed by a sharp warning – to the dog! – to “stop laughing, it’s not funny” (hilarious); and, my daughter, 13 at the time, received an F-bomb following an attempt to retrieve a mis-delivered package from a neighbor at 8:30 a.m. on a Saturday (confusing).
Now, there is good news and bad news. The good news is that we humans are wired for generosity, contribution and interdependence. When we contribute to the well-being of others, our brain releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin as we experience a sense of purpose, connection and that our actions matter. In essence, we enjoy giving to others, including neighbors, when there is no great cost to us.
Now, the bad news. Our hyper-individualistic culture reveres personal autonomy. Because of this, our muscles of collaboration tend to be weak, and we can, sadly, read requests from others as an infringement on our rights, or even as criticism, rather than an opportunity to contribute to the well-being of others. I once approached a neighbor about her dryer sheets and she suggested, straight-faced, that a good solution would be me moving to the country. A collaborative solution, where there was no winner nor loser, was likely beyond her imagination.
The best way to approach your neighbor? Start with a friendly greeting and a disarming smile. Make a connection around the beauty of the spangly red fruit of their hawthorn tree in winter, or their amusing cat who issues skeptical side-eyes from the window. And then say: “I’ve noticed that your outdoor lighting shines into my bedroom window, and unfortunately affects my sleep. I’m guessing that you have good reasons for setting them up that way. Can we chat about how to make this work for both of us?”
Be open to hearing and acknowledging what they value about their “glaring lighting;” maybe it’s spotting skunks prior to letting their dogs out at night. Be ready with collaborative ideas, like: motion-sensor lights, fixtures that shine down rather than out, lower wattage bulbs, or black-out curtains. Maybe you’d be willing to share the cost of new fixtures.Thank them for being open to brainstorming. Reassure them that there’s no way they could have known their lights were a bother. And, let’s all take a cue from the Rolling Stones’ song, “Neighbors”: “Do unto neighbors what you do to yourself, yourself, yourself, yourself,” and let them know you want to hear if any of your actions are impacting them, now or in the future.
Rachel Turiel is a mediator and communication coach who supports people to hear each other and work things out. Submit a question at rachelbturiel@gmail.com.
