Here we are, already into November. Not just any November, but an election year November. As if conversations with family during the holidays need any more fuel for the fire!
How quickly a joyous and celebratory moment can turn south. What starts as a simple comment, political or otherwise, becomes a squeeze of lime in a paper cut, and everyone is irritated.
Agree to disagree, or avoid the hot topic(s) altogether – these are options to prevent a full-blown family feud where everyone argues until they are blue in the face.
In classic argument style, the aim is to defend and prove one’s opinion right. Strategies for “winning” include pointing out flaws in logic, discounting feelings and leveraging differences as if one’s stance is better.
From your experience, how often do heated conversations lead to changing minds? Precisely: They don’t. Instead, we’re left exhausted, or blue in the face.
Arguing is a dead end because no matter how hard we try, asking someone to change their mind is asking them to change their values. Personal values are the core of who we are, a profound influence on our decisions and beliefs and a guide for prioritizing people and things in our life. They do not change on a whim.
Could the same old story have a different ending if it was communicated with civil discourse?
Civil discourse is “the practice of deliberating about matters of public concern in a way that seeks to expand knowledge and promote understanding.”
Within families, it’s perplexing to think we can be raised under a set of values, and yet eventually have differing views on hot topics. Experiences also shape us.
It took too long, but months ago, I finally tried a new approach to discuss a hot topic with my dad. I opted to ask with curiosity, rather than judgment. “Tell me about why you believe (fill in hot topic).”: It was a risky move, we’d already agreed to no longer discuss said topic.
I had to remind myself to stop formulating a response as my dad spoke. The goal was to listen, which is impossible when planning a rebuttal.
So I listened and reflected when I didn’t understand. And, the most amazing thing happened. I did not change my opinion, nor did my father. But we were able to hug at the end of the conversation and leave with a sense of understanding. It turns out we agree on many things (not all), we just prioritize values differently.
Topic avoidance could have remained par for the course. However, it became a festering frustration that negatively affected how I saw my parents. A perception that began to overshadow all of the wonderful things about people I love and respect. If failure to listen could divide people who care about one another, imagine what it could do to strangers sharing a community.
Ending with a hug doesn’t have to be the outcome, but maybe we could consider ending with, “I hear you.”
Nicole Clark is director of La Plata County Extension Office. Reach her at nclark@lpcgov.org.
