I received the Colorado Parks & Wildlife’s survey on black bears. Even though it took a whole 15 minutes of my valuable time that I could otherwise spend watching educational television (like “Breaking Bad” reruns), I didn’t mind and considered it my civic duty. However, I have an important question: Are the black bears required to fill out a similar survey on their feelings about humans? Also, why are brown bears excluded from the survey? Isn’t this a form of discrimination? Just sign me, “Yogi”
Yes, the government is conducting top-secret surveys regarding bears’ feelings toward humans.
It’s a complicated and expensive process, especially given the fact bears have horrible penmanship, a limited vocabulary and no permanent mailing address to which questionnaires can be sent.
Nevertheless, a wealth of data is being collected by a cabal of “bear whisperers” who are funded by the United Nations.
The bear survey is part of the Agenda 21 plan. The U.N. needs to know what local bears are thinking prior to its planned annexation and subsequent disarming of rural La Plata County.
To achieve a New World Order, the Trilateral Commission will spray vast quantities of bear-targeting chemtrails across the sky. The vapor contains a mysterious compound making the animals more docile, obedient and less inclined to believe in global warming.
The fact no one knows about this only proves it’s true.
Well then. Let’s take off the tinfoil hat and get back to more urgent ursine issues.
Suppose for a moment that bears could answer surveys. They’d probably say they don’t care too much for humans.
What they do enjoy is all the stuff humans surround themselves with: filthy barbecue grills, productive fruit trees, pet-food bowls left outside, well-stocked bird feeders and, above all, unsecured trash.
Boy, do they like trash – melon rinds, table scraps, yogurt cups and those soggy chicken juice pads.
Mrs. Action Line really detests those chicken-juice pads. For one, they hold a lot of juice, and Mrs. Action Line resents having to pay full chicken prices for icky chicken juice on what’s basically a Swiffer.
Then there’s the notion of having your next meal nestled on a soggy, bacteria-infused napkin.
Perhaps those absorbent things keep stray juice from sloshing around the Styrofoam tray. Or maybe it’s just a sneaky way to add a couple of ounces to the package.
All of which has very little to do with bears unless you mindlessly toss chicken-juice pads into a nonbear-proof trash container.
And that’s the point. If people don’t think there’s a problem with bears or don’t care, they aren’t going to do things differently.
The Durango bear survey (the one in which humans answered the questions) is part of a five-year study examining how human perceptions and activities fit into the bigger bruin picture.
Our good friend Joe Lewandowski, Colorado Parks & Wildlife spokesman, emphasized the survey will be another data set in shaping the department’s bear-management plan.
And as far as the survey’s “bias” is concerned, he had a good chuckle. Sure, the survey is for black bears only and excludes brown bears.
But Colorado Parks & Wildlife doesn’t practice discrimination of any kind.
“We’ll tag cinnamon bears, blonde bears, white polar bears and brown bears, too – if they lived here,” he quipped. “We don’t judge a bear by the color of its fur. We are equal opportunity trappers.”
Email questions to actionline@durangoherald.com or mail them to Action Line, The Durango Herald, 1275 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301. You can request anonymity if you know the name of the Jellystone Park ranger who keeps Yogi and Boo Boo from stealing ‘pic-a-nic’ baskets.
