Q: I’m in grad school, I work, I’m an active member of my family and I make time for my closest friends. On the rare occasion when I have down time, I like to do things alone, like a solo lunch or not going out on weekends. People around me (e.g., my mom) find it strange that I don’t prefer to socialize. I’m just after a bit of me time. Is that so wrong?
A: Absolutely not, and it wouldn’t be wrong even if your schedule was wide open. For you, time alone is rejuvenating, rather than avoidant – and it sounds like it’s exactly what you need right now. You don’t owe your mom an explanation, but if she is the reasonable sort who might finally simmer down after a discussion about it, ask her why it bothers her so much.
Is she simply worried that you’re working too hard? Is this thwarting her plans to see you dating? Might she want to see you more often herself, or is it that she just can’t fathom a more introverted person can actually be happy? If she won’t let up, give yourself permission to tune her out – as you chill on your couch.
Q: My sister is 16 years younger than me, a high school junior. She says she will likely stay home and go to community college instead of going away. I suspect she’s worried about our parents’ finances and my dad’s health. I have a life of my own hundreds of miles away, and I would feel responsible if she doesn’t take the opportunity to start a real life away from our parents.
A: Let’s first banish the all-or-none thinking. The realization of plenty of people’s dreams starts with their first step into a community college class. And not everyone who remains in their hometown is destined to a life of unfulfilled potential. Your concerns are legitimate, though, in that she might be unduly limiting herself because of guilt, fear or a sense of responsibility.
Have a private, concrete talk with her about the what-if’s of your parents’ future care – logistically, emotionally and financially. Map out as many specifics as you can to make the load lighter. Talk separately to your parents, and really listen to what their expectations and hopes are - for her, for you and for them.
Andrea Bonior, a Washington-area clinical psychologist, writes a weekly relationships advice column in The Washington Post’s Express daily tabloid and is author of The Friendship Fix. For more information, see www.drandreabonior.com. You can also follow her on Twitter: @drandreabonior.
