“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.”
Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet (1923)
In 2003, Robert Shaw, M.D., wrote a book called The Epidemic: Raising Secure, Loving, Happy, and Responsible Children in an Era of Absentee and Permissive Parenting. The book was reissued in 2013 because of Shaw’s straight talk about raising children.
The scary influences, questionable cultural values and peer pressure children are experiencing today are making it more difficult to parent.
He saw an epidemic of destructive, out-of-control, hostile children, which he felt at one end of the spectrum culminates in the school shootings we’re seeing today. At the other, kids are sullen, self-absorbed and disconnected from feelings, ethics and moral values. The book mixes the power of love, engagement and presence with positive discipline. Shaw himself was a father, with family ties here in Durango.
It is not a “how to” book as much as it is a “what is necessary” book about children’s actual requirements. His premise is that raising a child should be the greatest joy, fulfillment and pleasure we can experience. The interesting thing to me is how he dissects current well-meaning but dangerous parenting methods and provides clear directions to improve.
Some examples:
Parents who are overly permissive often feel “proud” they have such great relationships with their kids. They’re flexible, they’re cool! But with no supervision, there is no connection to morals and family values. There is no model for what is right and wrong. Not acting on something is acting.
Parents feel they want to avoid unnecessary guilt or disappointment in their kids so they fail to set boundaries. “Never let your baby cry.” “He’ll use the potty when he’s ready.” “Discipline is disrespectful.” “The child’s feelings should come first.” This leads to the narcissistic personalities we’re seeing today. Not enforcing appropriate limits is neglecting times to civilize and protect the child. Kids aren’t developing the inner resources necessary to deal with the stresses of responsibility and accountability.
Women can have it all. Actually, high-stress, time-pressed, two-career families are not the optimum environment for raising children. Shaw says, “The mother-child relationship is absolutely unique, the single most sacred thing in our culture,” and having a child in child care can severely degrade this attachment. However, there is an added section on what is good child care, how to find it and a straightforward assessment of how a child may be doing in that environment.
Parents often bribe, create power plays, offer excessive explanations and reward their children for behavior. Kids need to learn life is not an endless stage of negotiations. They exhibit a distorted sense of power and control, fail to develop empathy and have difficulty fitting into social situations and relationships.
Shaw believes the family bed, where children sleep most of the night with their parents, can lead to children who cannot self-soothe, tolerate frustration or recover from disappointment. They come to believe they are the center of the universe. Also, what does a child sleeping with parents say about the couple? The loving, sturdy bond between the parents is the greatest gift we can give our children.
Shaw goes on to explain how to match the consequences of bad behavior with the conduct, so that children are aware of the realities of life and the fact that things are not always fair. There is a wonderful chart to check in with how your child is doing.
Other cultural issues he addresses include breast vs. bottle feeding, the crying-it-out controversy and delayed toilet training. Also, there are chapters on raising moral children in a valueless world, how screen-time is creating emotionally detached and disconnected children, kids growing up too fast and how parents can better take on the commitment to control kids.
The clarity with which Shaw writes, the real-life situations and the lovingly presented solutions to many parenting issues make this a must-read for all parents. He takes a hard line in some of his opinions, but it really made me think about how I raised my own kids.
Things are not always as they seem; when we decide to become parents, we sign on to put our kids’ needs first, but discovering what those needs really are becomes clear in this book.
January is a good time to look at our parenting skills. What do we need to brush up on, modify or outright change? The charts in Shaw’s book on p. 132 and 236 are good starts. Happy parenting in 2014.
Martha McClellan has been an early care child educator, director and administrator for 36 years. She has an early childhood consulting business, supporting child care centers and families. Reach her at mmm@bresnan.net.
