Arguments about money are the top predictor of divorce.
Fights about kids, sex, in-laws or anything else for that matter take a back seat to money, says Sonya Britt, a researcher at Kansas State University. This is true for men and women, regardless of their income, debt or net worth.
Her research also confirmed what you already may know: Arguments about money are more intense and last longer than other disagreements.
But conflict doesn’t have to be inevitable. Healthy money communication with your spouse or partner may be easier than you think. Use these five steps to create an open dialogue, identify shared goals and meet your individual needs:
Unpack you money beliefs
A period of quiet reflection will help clarify your beliefs and attitudes about money. With pen and paper in hand, spend about an hour journaling about these questions:
When you think about money, what words come to mind?
What does money mean for you?
Who or what has influenced your financial decisions?
When you think about how you handle money, what patterns do you see?
Now, ask your partner to do the same. Then set aside time to share your answers. Be open and honest. There are no right or wrong answers.
Remove financial stress
Financial stress often leads to fights. Discuss your fears about money with one another. Then work together to remedy the situation. Even if your partner’s fears seem trivial, address them.
Establish a common dream
Sharing a common dream – a big goal meaningful to both of you – will help you work as a team. By focusing on your dream, you will be able to say no to lesser desires that may be a source of conflict.
Get what you both want
Build a budget that expresses your shared values and priorities.
For example, in Step 1 you may have discovered money represents security for one of you and status for the other. Unacknowledged, these different values could lead to trouble. The solution is to craft a budget that saves money for security and sets aside money for spending on a status item.
Check in regularly
Don’t let all of this effort go to waste. At least once a month, sit down and review your budget. What’s working and what isn’t? Ask your partner how he or she is feeling about your financial situation and what he or she would like to change.
Taking time to truly understand each other’s beliefs about money and honoring those beliefs can keep you from becoming another divorce statistic.
Durango resident and personal finance coach Matt Kelly owns Momentum: Personal Finance. www.personalfinancecoaching.com.
