Q: I am pretty sure my friend is in a relationship with a guy just because he supports her financially, and I don’t consider it that different from prostitution. He is older and not particularly caring. She claims she likes him but there is not much to like. She’s had good relationships in the past, but the guys were financially unstable. This is ruining our longtime friendship.
A: I think we can agree that likening a friend’s relationship to prostitution won’t do anyone any good. I’m guessing what’s happening is much more nuanced and forgivable. Maybe those financially unstable boyfriends created stress that left her craving a relationship free of those worries. Perhaps there’s more character to her current boyfriend than meets the eye, or there’s something in your own experience making you judge her harshly.
Basically, this is the age-old quandary of not agreeing with a friend’s choices. Can you bring yourself to be respectful, and conserve the good parts of your relationship that are independent of whom she’s dating? That’s the only way to salvage this – if you are motivated to.
Q: My husband and I disagree about how we should handle alcohol at the college graduation party we’re throwing for our son. He and his friends are of age, but there will be younger guests. I would like to trust the older children, and have beer and wine available without us having to police it. My husband thinks we should have someone checking IDs and distributing the alcohol.
A: Throwing a party with alcohol when a chunk of the attendees are not yet of legal drinking age is a tricky endeavor. Heck, so is throwing a party with alcohol when everyone’s 21 and older. I’m guessing you want to cultivate a friendly, trusting atmosphere and that’s causing your resistance to strict oversight, but there is not much downside to having someone check IDs – and plenty of upside.
Parents of the other guests have a reasonable expectation that you will not make the decision for them about what laws should be broken by their children. You also don’t want to set a precedent as being the underage-drinking house. Err on the side of caution. And make sure that no one – whether 18 or 84 – drives home intoxicated.
Andrea Bonior, a Washington-area clinical psychologist, writes a weekly relationships advice column in The Washington Post’s Express daily tabloid and is author of The Friendship Fix. For more information, see www.drandreabonior.com. You can also follow her on Twitter: @drandreabonior.
