In this topsy-turvy world we live in these days, there is a lot of uncertainty from day to day. I find myself falling back on more definite and dependable things that I know to be true.
A friend at the grocery story recently described the care for his mother-in-law, age 91, who has moved here to be closer to family. “Such drama,” he said, “with strokes and other maladies and always a strong revival. Very challenging.” I cared for my mother also in her waning years, which required travel to Florida a few times a year. It was exhausting, but also rewarding in some ways. Is this one of the rules of life, that we care for our family elders when they need us? Especially after all the years they cared for us?
“Death of loved ones is sad under any circumstance for the living, but it’s also an acknowledgment of the rules.” I wrote this under a full moon back in January 2020 before COVID-19 hit, and after the loss of someone dear to me. As harsh as it sounds, it’s true. Seen in the greater scope of things, perhaps it softens the pain of a passing. It’s a rule of this life. We all die.
We all have these personal rules we live by, whatever they may be. They may not be written down, but they are in our consciousness and form our foundations and ethical behavior. I looked at some old “rules lists” I had from a friend and the Dalai Lama and Phoebe Snover Prosky, a family therapist.
Always be kind stands out. Spend time alone in reflection each day; be gentle and respectful of the earth and all living things; practice living in the present; pay attention to intuition; try not knowing what time it is; make the bed every day; listen more to others; write a thank-you note to anyone who has generously given something.
Some rules I’ve jotted down through the years no longer fit – writing by 9 a.m. and always being available to nanny grandchildren. But the majority of these instructions or guidelines or practices stay true, and become a sort of infrastructure or cornerstone for life.
How we respond to the fundamental uncertainty of life shapes everything we do and is driven in part by how we think about our place in the world, our sense of identity. Coping with the precariousness of our place in the world is key to sanity. Rules for ourselves help.
Your rules may be similar, or very different. They may deal with eating or working out or your past or healing or personal interactions or love or purpose or laughing or family or health or spiritual dealings.
Whatever they are, they may also be a good thing to leave to our families when we do die, a sort of legacy. A legacy is a gift passed down to our family and/or loved ones that’s been a part of us, a piece of ourselves to share. It’s also an interconnection across time, and can be handed down from generation to generation. Many people write memoirs for their families, but Rules for Life seem to say it all! It’s also a glimpse into our human spirits.
Our state of mind is largely determined by our beliefs about the future, by our degree of confidence that things will turn out well for us. With all the craziness out there right now, the goal is stability, and perhaps having or even writing down our personal rules will help us through these troublesome times.
“It is the beginning of wisdom when you recognize that the best you can do is choose which rules you want to live by, and it is persistent and aggravated imbecility to pretend you can live without any.” – Wallace Stegner, “All the Little Live Things”
Martha McClellan has lived in Durango since 1993 and has been an educator, consultant and writer. Reach her at mmm@bresnan.net.
