When my brother died in June, my remaining brother and I were extremely disappointed in the obituary that was published in his local hometown newspaper.
It was full of inaccuracies, omitted important facts and certainly needed editing. So we both decided to write our own obituaries now so they are correct and complete. Is this another example of trying to gain some control of our deaths? I’m not sure, but we will be together later this month so I want to be able to compare notes with him then.
I contacted Ann Butler (annbutler2@icloud.com) to help me in this task. Butler wrote obituaries for The Durango Herald for 10 years, and thousands of obituaries later, knows exactly what makes a good one. I’ve been reading them lately, and see that some are so interesting; others, not so much.
Does it even matter? I think so. As Butler says, an obituary is both a death notice and a historical record. It reports the news of a death, and it also tells the story of a life. It documents a life for future generations as well as for historians.
Obituaries that feature more personal aspects of a person’s life are more interesting to me. They really give a feel of what the person was like. Including specific examples of what the person actually did, instead of generalities, gives a clearer sense of the person. “She was the best mother” is not nearly as informative as “She raised four children all by herself on the farm in Michigan and always had time to make life an adventure.”
But the facts are important also. Butler says she thinks a good obituary includes about 60 percent biographical facts and 40 percent flavor.
The Herald and/or the funeral home can help you with details on each of these. If you start reading obituaries, you will get a sense of what to write.
It is also OK to reflect on failures, especially if they change the course of a life. Reality and truth can be written with a kindness that enhances an obituary. It is also important to mention all marriages, especially if they produced children, again, as a historical record. “The marriage later ended in divorce” is a gentle way to express this.
The first thing I look for when reading obituaries is the cause of death. Many do not list this, but if it is included, the family will not have to answer this question repeatedly. Because an obituary is a historical document that may be looked at by other generations, it can be a good place for them to find their family’s medical history. I also think it’s interesting as we age to know how others are dying.
These days, people are contributing to a charity or cause the deceased supported in life more than sending flowers – a sign of the times.
Butler encourages people to write their own obituaries, at least the basic facts and highlights, as spouses, children, parents and friends only know part of a life. Perhaps this is why my brother’s is so incomplete.
Butler recommends we all have a death file with our paperwork, birth certificate and marriage license(s), will and power of attorneys, financial information, contacts and passwords, things we want for a service or celebration of our lives and an obituary. You may also want to include some kind of “spiritual legacy” or ethical will, something that passes along your wisdom, advice and what is important to you.
Whew, we’ve got work to do!
Martha McClellan was a developmental educator in early childhood for 38 years. She has moved her focus to the other end of life and has written a book, “The Aging Athlete: What We Do to Stay in the Game.” Reach her at mmm@bresnan.net.
Important facts to include in your obituary
Birth and death information.
Education.
Military service.
Marriage(s).
Work history (but not as detailed as a resume).
Organizations and memberships.
Passions and hobbies.
Anecdotes.
Surviving family.
Service information, whether or not one will be held.
Desired memorial contributions, if any.
