DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 30 years. Recently, she shared details of two infidelities that she had with other men.
The first was with an individual on the staff of our church who held himself out to be my friend. My wife says it was an unprovoked attack, where he forced himself on her. But when I asked why she didn’t resist or fight him off, she said she didn’t know and that maybe, deep down, she wanted it to happen. The second was someone she met at a bar and had developed a relationship with. When I was away on business trips, she stayed with him overnight on four occasions.
She tells me these things happened more than 20 years ago and she’s been faithful since, but to put it bluntly, I am devastated and unconvinced that that’s the entire story. I believed my wife to be faithful during our marriage.
I guess I was naive because, over the years, she was jealous and accused me of something nefarious if I even looked at a woman, although I never strayed. Now I’m doubting everything. Did we live a fictional life? Were we ever truly happy? How can I believe that she’s been faithful since?
The fact of the matter is I don’t believe her. I still love her, but every time I look at her, I think about what she told me, and I'm having a hard time coping with this information. I don’t think I will ever get over this. What should I do? – Doesn’t Believe Her in Florida
DEAR DOESN’T BELIEVE: I can feel your pain, and for that, you have my sympathy. You may need the help of a marriage and family counselor to figure out the answers to the questions you are asking yourself. Once you have started on that path, ask your wife to join you. Solid marriages are built on trust. Only if that can be reestablished will your marriage be healed.
DEAR ABBY: Three months ago, I lost my dear, loving wife (the best part of me) to cancer, COVID-19, pneumonia and heart problems. We had a great marriage, not perfect, but the happiest times of our lives. In disbelief, carrying a burden of grief, sorrow and pain, I am lonely and alone, but it is getting lighter with each passing day. I know I don’t want to spend the rest of my remaining time this way.
We were together 40 years, rearing a blended family of four children. Then, seven grandchildren and four great-grandchildren came along. How long should I wait before considering looking around, dating and searching for someone to share my life with? I am being bombarded with interest from women I do not know, which I did not expect. – Alone in Alabama
DEAR ALONE: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. Your loneliness, pain and vulnerability are palpable. This is why, when you start dipping your toe into the dating pool, it’s important to take your time and not rush into any “quickie” entanglements.
Realize that as a senior widower, you are now a hot commodity. You will meet many women as the weeks go on. There’s a good reason why people are advised not to make any serious decisions for a year after a loss such as the one you have experienced. Take your time and avoid jumping into any serious commitments in the coming months.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
